He opened the door and stepped through it, softly closing the door behind him before quickly walking down the hall and away from me, leaving me and his daughter behind as he chased a love that he had only known for a couple of months but was willing...
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Chapter 18 - Induratize
to make one's own heart hardened or resistant to someone's pleas or advances, or to the idea of love
The day every mother fears came sooner than I had ever imagined that it would, presenting itself to me before I was even ready to face it. A child's first case of the chickenpox, or any illness for that matter, is truly terrifying and even to this day I don't truly understand how I made it through those 10 days without admitting Dawon to the nearest hospital. Without Hana being there to reassure me that Dawon's symptoms were normal I definitely would have gone insane. That and the daily calls from Namjoon and Taehyung which honestly shocked me.
"It says here to put her mittens on to prevent her from scratching the spots and give her sugar-free popsicles for some reasons. There would be no point taking her to the doctors because there isn't really anything they can do for chickenpox due to that fact that it's a viral infection." Taehyung explained to me after I had called him in the middle of panicking as Dawon's rash had only seemed to get worse. I could hear Namjoon adding pieces of information to Taehyung's detailed summary of what chickenpox was in the background, having an extensive amount of facts to share which honestly shocked me as to how much he knew off the top of his head.
"I feel like such a useless mum right now. I can't even keep myself together in the occurrence of something as small as the bloody chickenpox!" I cried, sniffling into the speaker and probably making the two me cringe at how disgusting I sounded. Dawon was asleep in her crib that I had moved in to the living room so that I could keep an eye on her, hand attempting to scratch herself every now and then as she shifted in her slumber.
"Don't talk yourself down like that Minerva because you're an amazing mum! Dawon is so lucky to have such a caring, devoted person to be her mum because you'd honestly do anything for her. Panicking is a natural reaction to your child being sick. You're doing great Minerva." Taehyung reassured me softly, the smile on his face being able to be heard through the tone of his voice. I chuckled shortly at his words, definitely feeling as if they weren't true.
"Thanks Tae, sorry for burdening you with my problems and everything. Is Namjoon coming to see her anytime soon or is he going to keep avoiding her." I joked humourlessly, pursing my lips together whilst waiting for Taehyung to reply as he had hesitated.
"Honestly, I don't really know," He began before his voice seemed quieter, obviously whispering with Namjoon about it. With the harshness of some of their words, I could tell that the topic was still a sore spot between the two. That was understandable though, seeing as Namjoon being around me and Dawon had come between them once before. "Such a coward. He says that he'll come after Dawon is better as he doesn't think he'll be able to handle seeing her unwell."
"That's fair enough. If you want, you can always come with him Taehyung, you're always welcome. Dawon loves seeing you!" I replied quickly, mentally scolding myself as Taehyung probably thought that I felt as if he were holding Namjoon back. That wasn't really the case though as I knew that Namjoon was hesitant to be around me, not knowing if he would be able to stand being so close to me. It was shame more than anything, guilt and regret of what he had done and said.
"R-Really? I wouldn't want to intrude on their time together..." Taehyung voiced quietly, seeming to be giving it some thought as his words seemed hesitant as if he had forced himself to say them in order to seem polite. A small smile made its way on to my face before I could stop it, giggling down the phone quietly.
"Don't be silly Taehyung, you're always welcome in my home. I'll be sure to let the two of you know when she's on the mend!" I exclaimed happily, my words nothing but genuine. A happy little squeal came from Taehyung and shuffling could be heard in the background, telling me that he was excitedly rushing to tell Namjoon who I had assumed to have left the room. After a couple of minutes of murmuring on the other end of the line I ended the call, shaking my head at the fact that Taehyung had forgot to say goodbye or end the call.
And there it was again, that unbearable silence that seemed to loom over me when I wasn't busy or tending to Dawon. It was like a shadow, always with me but only making itself known at certain times. I hadn't bothered to tell anyone about it as I knew that it would just make people worry about me when I didn't want to be worried about.
Having read some articles online from other mums who felt the same way, I felt strangely reassured that what I was feeling was quite common amongst first-time mothers. A voice in the back of my mind was telling me that my feelings were more than just a grief over my lost freedom but I decided to not dwell on the matter as it stressed me out.
Maybe I should have taken things more seriously. It could have saved me a lot of pain.
