The hate game

5

I open the door of my house, dump my bag on the couch and climb the stairs to my room, run the bath, pull off my clothes and step into the water. I think to when I first met Dylan, it was on his sister's birthday, we didn't speak much to each other on that day.

I had heard alot about him from his sister so I wasn't really surprised when he refused to acknowledge me or talk to met. I always thought he was strange, his sister was sweet and nice while he was stuck up, I always wondered how two siblings could be so different but his sister loved him and he loved her too in his own way he just had difficulty expressing it. I could tell on that day, the way his eyes softened when he looked at her especially when he thought no one was looking.

We didn't really pay attention to each other until they died. That was when the fights and hate began, I remember that look vividly, the hate was so glaring, he looked at me with such contempt that I took a step back. I was so scared that day but he didn't do anything

The day my brother and Dylan's sister died was the worst day of my life. I always blamed myself for their death and I guess Dylan blamed me too.

I took away his sister and he hates me for that, I understand but he takes it too far sometimes, I lost a brother too that day.

I loved my older brother and he was the closest thing to a parent for me. Ever since we were younger, we've only had each other, it was easier to bear my parents absence because he was always there to make me feel better.

*Flashback*
"Hey"

"Hey" I look up from my bed

"How are you feeling kiddo?"

"I'm fine. Aren't you going out with Dani today?" I ask my brother Zayn

"I don't know. I better stay with you, you look really bad" he says while putting a hand on my forehead

I swat his hand away

"Ow!!"

"I'm fine I promise. It's your anniversary and I don't want to ruin it for you guys. You've been planning it since forever"

"It doesn't matter, we can always do it another time. I'm pretty sure Dani won't mind, she's pretty worried about you too" Zayn says

"I'm not a kid anymore, and I'm pretty sure I can handle myself"

"I know that but Dani can come over and we can binge watch F.R.I.E.N.D.S together" he says picking up his phone to call her

"No please just go. I'll feel really bad if you stay on my account. Please go Zayn" I plead with him " I promise I'll be okay"

"Are you sure? This doesn't feel right at all, I shouldn't leave you like this. Maybe I can drop you at the hospital "

"I'll be fine, now please get out"

"Fine. Take care, I love you" He kisses my forehead and leaves

I smile at him and watch him go out, those were his last words to me.

Some hours later I get a call that my brother and his girlfriend were involved in an accident on their way back home.

Maybe if I had just let him stay, maybe he might be alive, maybe he'd still be alive. Maybe I won't have to deal with all this, maybe he would still be here telling me silly jokes, making me feel better

I miss him so much especially on days like this when I feel so lonely like I've been deserted by whole world including my parents.

If I was feeling this way I wonder how Dylan feels. Maybe he is right to hate me, he has lost a lot of people in his life and I took one more person from him

I remember Zayn and Dani, how in love they were, how much I coveted what they had, sometimes I can't believe they're actually gone, that their love has been wiped off the earth

Dylan once told me I should have died instead of her and maybe he was right, maybe I should have died instead of them but I don't have the courage to kill myself so I'll just suffer through it all

I step out of the water cause it had gone cold and I was crying profusely. I grab a robe and wrap it around myself, I pad into my room and lie on my bed then cry myself to sleep for the thousandth time this year.

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Love Deborah