Newly Not Cis

PaNick

Once again big thanks to Trismegitus Shandy who helped me edit and put up with my terrible grammar. (HOW THE FRICK DO I USE A COMMA???) Links to their stuff in the comments.

James put his bra on, an act he still hadn't gotten used to. Then he threw on the rest of what he was beginning to call the "let's hide my weird new body" ensemble. Almost no features of his body came through his clothes; it was perfect. He cautiously asked his mum to drop him off at Nick's house. He didn't want her to look at him for too long.

They talked, got food, and sat down to play. There was a bunch of things James knew they could talk about, new characters, games, and TV shows they wanted to watch. They talked about that. About their strategies. It felt so much like a normal hangout. But something was off. Nick didn't seem as into talking as he did usually. He looked like he wanted to bring something up.

Nick wasn't happy leaving his thoughts ambiguous.

"So what's going on with your voice?" His words cut like knives.

James tensed.

"What do you mean, Nick?" He hoped he sounded more nonchalant then he felt; his voice cracked. All of his hiding had led to being found out like this.

"What's with the insecurity? Every time you hear it or someone comments on it, you just shut down. It happened when you got mistaken for my girlfriend and again when Ben made fun of you for it? You know Ben's full of shit."

He was relieved that Nick hadn't discovered much. All he had noticed was that James' behaviour had been strange whenever anyone brought up his voice, which highlighted the change in his voice, which made him feel sick.

"It did change after you got sick, but why does it bother you?"

Part of James wanted to tell Nick everything. Every other part of him said that was an awful and terrifying idea. Explaining why it bothered him was also difficult. It was in part because it was a symptom of the general body change, but there was something else that bothered him about it. The best way he could describe it was 'it isn't mine', which didn't feel entirely accurate.

Nick didn't seem to have noticed anything else. Even if telling him everything was something he might have wanted to do, it was probably best left alone until it was necessary. For now, he could tell Nick just about the voice. It was an easier pill to swallow than "I'm 99% female now!".

"I don't know what happened, but my voice un-dropped; my Adam's apple is gone too. I was hoping people wouldn't notice," It felt good to be honest. He knew Nick wouldn't mock him for it.

"I'm sorry, dude." Nick was looking at the ground.

They sat in silence for just a moment before Nick spoke again.

"You know that trans girl you and Ben talk shit about?"

Being reminded of his bad behaviour was the last thing he needed right now. He knew he sucked.

"Yeah?"

"Well, it might be worth talking to her. She likes to talk about the weirdness in the school; maybe she can help. That is, if she is willing to talk to you."

Katie had mentioned it last weekend; it was a nice reminder. If he hadn't already talked to her, this information would have been very helpful.

"Thanks, Nick, I'll ask her."

"She might not want to talk to you, though. You'd have to be upfront with her, and if you misgender her, you probably won't get too far. She's a nice girl though, I've talked to her a couple of times."

James needed to distract himself from the guilt that was welling up inside him over how he had hurt Katie. Asking about what had had happened to Nick seemed to be the best distraction from that feeling.

"What's happened to you?"

"It happened pretty frequently before last week. When I went to meet with everyone, something almost always delayed me like it didn't want me to hang out with you guys. It happens almost every time I go near Ben or Lachlan."

It sounded like superstition to James; if something was delaying Nick, how come he was always on time to hang out with him last week?

"You don't believe me?" Nick asked.

"I think it's more likely you're just clumsy, Nick."

"Remember how I tripped on Monday? Something tugged at my back."

"Still, I don't know how talking to her would help."

It was quiet for a second, James didn't know how to carry on this conversation without risking more exposure. He didn't want to talk about his voice anymore.

"If it helps, your voice new and old are both nice, you don't need to go mute again."

"I don't care if it's nice, I want it to be mine again. But thank you, I guess." It was nice that Nick tried; it made him happy that he had someone who liked to talk to him even when he didn't want to open his mouth.

"Hopefully you can get your voice back, then."

They continued playing their game in comfortable silence. It was relaxing having no obligation to talk instead of just fearing talking. It was calming until he felt his chest began to feel tight. The pain began to set in around where his bra was. It wasn't long until it felt like someone was strangling his lungs.

"I gotta go to the bathroom," he wheezed out. His bra was holding him hostage, and he had to get it off.

He ran down the hall, which was difficult when he couldn't breathe. He closed the door to the bathroom and began taking off his hoodies and tops. Looking down at his chest, he noticed it seemed slightly larger; had they not stopped growing since he got them? Was the bra too small? Why the pain now, why not when he was at his own house? He had to get it off, but it had to be compressed. If they weren't compressed, then someone might notice.

He heard a knock on the door of the next-door toilet.

"Dude are you okay?"

The knob on the door to the bathroom began to turn,

"I'm fine," he yelled as convincingly as he could while trying to strip.

James tried to get to the door to hold it closed. The shirt and hoodies that he had left on the floor tripped him up. As he fell, he thought about what was about to happen. He fell to the ground with a thud.

"James! What happened? I'm coming in!"

He braced himself for the worst.