Newly Not Cis

Cold Nights and Coming Out

The sky was beautiful at night, even in a dream. It wasn't something she'd really paid attention to before, mostly because she didn't go outside at night. There were lights behind her; she could see them illuminating the grass beneath her feet.

"So how did things go with your mum?" Melody said. There was a familiarity in her voice like she was talking to a friend, and not someone she had only met a couple of hours ago.

A cold chill blew through Jamie as she turned to Melody, sitting under her tree. Her figure was still blurred like she still didn't know how to show herself. It didn't bother Jamie much; she was already talking to a literal ghost in a cold schoolyard.

"About as well as you'd expect."

"I'm sorry, James. I didn't think you'd be stuck like this." Jamie wanted to be angry, she wanted to fight the blurred form, but there was a part of Jamie that felt bad for her. How long had she been there? How long had she sat under that tree?

"I want to hate you." In her dreams she was still James, she still had the deep voice that she missed so much, she still had her bits of stubble and a flat chest. Yet she kept trying to refer to herself as a girl; there was no point in trying to indulge in being a guy. It would only hurt more. She wanted to hate Melody for taking her body away, for destroying her closeness with her mum, for putting her in this horrifying situation.

"I can understand that."

"But I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because I deserved this." After what happened with Ben on Monday, she'd given up on asking 'Why did this happen to me?'. The answer was always 'because she deserved it'. She'd hurt people, she'd made the same shit choices, and she deserved to follow them to their end. She was just like Ben, and if this hadn't happened, she would have continued acting like Ben.

She sat on the cold ground next to Melody. It was cold. Why was it cold? The trees' calming aura did nothing to make the tears subside or warm her up.

"James, I'm sorry. As I said, that was my first time trying something like this. I thought I'd be able to turn you back after you'd learned your lesson. I hurt you more than I meant to. You don't deserve this."

"You were right, though. I could have killed Katie. I could have hurt Nick! Things might be fine now. He might have forgiven me for being an asshat. But I still hurt him. Why the hell is he okay with dating someone like me?" The butterflies, the excitement from expressing his feelings, the euphoria from being Nick's boyfriend. It was a joke, something he didn't deserve, something he could never deserve.

"James, you're spiralling."

"Don't call me that. He's gone. He deserves to be gone and so do I." Even her mum knew that was true. Maybe it would have been better if Melody had just killed her. That way she could never disappoint her mum, or hurt Katie and Nick.

"I really fucked you up didn't I?" No, she thought. She'd fucked herself up.

"Before you told me, I was sure I'd just pissed God off or something, but it doesn't matter the reason I changed. I deserved it. I deserve worse."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be," she cried.

"I didn't want this to happen. You did some bad things, but there's a reason Katie and Nick still talk to you. You've grown; it's not been long, but you have become better."

"You were so disgusted with me you decided to possess me!"

"And that was a mistake. I shouldn't have done that. Maybe I could have haunted your dreams or something."