Newly Not Cis

Introspection and Rash Decisions

James didn't know what she meant. He'd just finished explaining that he didn't know why he was unable to go back to being how he was. It had to be something to do with this body making him more emotional or sappy, or something. It was the only thing that had changed that could explain why he couldn't be like his old self, and why Ben had noticed the changes.

"When did you stop hating me?" she repeated.

"Did I ever hate you?" It was dumb, after all, he'd done to her. He wasn't sure if he had ever really hated her.

"You made me cry on multiple occasions and laughed about it with your friends." He'd seen glimpses of her no-bullshit attitude on the weekend. She'd become a much stronger person since she'd transitioned. The timid boy he'd grown up with had become a strong young lady, while James had become a pathetic mess.

He didn't know why he used to enjoy hurting her. Was it testosterone or something that made him angry? All he knew was that he didn't want to hurt her anymore. Was what he had felt towards her hate or something else? He hadn't really thought about it.

"Think about it, James, when did you stop wanting to hurt me?"

"After this started?" It had to be his body, right?

"Okay, you aren't going to get there on your own." He was offended, but she was probably right. She was hinting at something. He just had no clue what it was. "Did it stop after the transformation or after we were hanging out as friends again?"

"Oh." The ideas were starting to fall into place.

"James, we became friends again. Is it possible you were angry at me for cutting you off?"

The things he had thought that weekend came back to him. The reason he'd called her K. Why he'd stopped being able to see her as a guy.

"I thought you replaced my best friend," he said sadly. It was dumb; he'd realised it was dumb that weekend and then decided to try and forget about it.

"What?"

"You stopped talking to me, started saying you were a girl and went by a different name." God, it sounded so stupid saying it out loud. "So I thought I'd lost my best friend. I wanted him back." He looked at her, unsure of what any of what he was saying meant, or how it related to him being a girl. "Then it was like nothing had happened."

"You hated me because you thought I was a different person. Then I wasn't and you stopped hating me. Does that sound like it was directly caused by your body changing?"

"No," he whispered. "I'm sorry."

"What are you apologising for?" There was a lot he needed to apologise for. Being an irredeemable prick for the last couple of months, trying to hurt her that morning, making her listen to his bullshit, and being so clueless about everything. One at a time, he thought. Maybe it was best to apologise for something he could immediately change.

"For this morning."

"James, I made it pretty clear you weren't very convincing,"

"Still."

"Let's just finish our conversation then you can apologise all you want, okay?" She seemed concerned about something else. He wanted to apologise, but she'd brushed him off, and something about that made him mad. It was kind of nice to feel mad after everything had been either numb or crying the last couple of days. "So why else are you thinking your feelings are changing?"

"I've been crying a lot. I never used to cry."

"Dude, your entire world has been flipped upside down! Crying is a reasonable reaction," she said matter-of-factly. "I've mentioned that what you've been feeling is probably dysphoria, and unlike most trans people, you got it sprung on you all at once; most of us have years to get used to the feelings you suddenly woke up with."