Love Me Like I Do

19.

Board meetings. Press Conference. Ribbon cutting. For almost a decade, all I did is for the company. Ni wala akong inisip para sarili ko. But yeah, maybe those things are for my family, for myself also. The thing is I am not the direct beneficiary of everything that I do.

Because I thought giving everyone what they want will satisfy my being. But no. Being selfless is good. It's something that you can be proud of but not something you can be happy with.

"Merry Christmas, Lauren." Dad greeted me. The heavy feeling I felt before was gone. Yes I could have not forgiven him but God knows how much I miss him, our old happy family. And even at my age, I still wish for a happy and complete family.

"Merry Christmas, Dad." I hugged him. I sighed in relief thinking of all the trials our family had passed. I am not of many chances. Second and third, pwede pa. More than that? No. But I figured out if it concerns the people you love, you'll give all the chances it takes.

"Thank you for making this Christmas more meaningful than ever. And I'm sorry for what I've done. I was foolish and a failure." I saw the tear that escaped from dad's eyes. He was a strong person but right now, my dad is totally different. Afterall that has happened, may mga pagbabago talaga sa buhay ng tao na hindi natin maiiwasan.

"Dad, it's fine. Just don't do it again. Masasaktan lang ulit tayo." He smiled and hugged me once again.

"I heard you were looking for Yuan." I smiled sadly.

It's been a month since I knew of his location. Pero hindi ko kayang harapin siya. For all his mother did and all the accusations I threw at him without knowing his reasons. Hindi ko inalam muna lahat lahat. I let my emotions rule me. I knew I could learn the truth given the power I have but it's my pride which can't accept everything. I thought I loved him. But it turns out that I love myself more and that provoked me to do the things I did.

I tried to send him email pero di ko rin nasend kalaunan. Hindi ko lang talaga alam ano ang sasabihin.

Just hit the freakin' button, Lauren.

It has been my mantra for about a month now but guess what? It remains as it is. Haaay buhay torpe. Bakit ba kasi lakas makadaga nitong  ganitong feeling?

Iyong alam kung tama ang ginawa mo, which is I highly believe na tama talaga, but there's this feeling na kinda hurt the wrong person. But is it my fault that Amalia is his mother? It's not even his. Just... just Amalia.

It should have been a perfect love story if not for her. Everything should have been easier. But she did all those bullshit and for what? For money? Heck, money's not everything. She could have earned trust in lieu of money because trust is intangible and long-term. But money? Heck with money?

"Miss Blythe, Mr. Stark is here for his appointment." Nagambala lang ako sa mga pinag iisip ko ng marinig ang intercom.

"Let him in."

Naputol na rin ang pag-iisip ko sa email nang pumasok si Mr. Stark sa opisina ko.

We discussed about expansion and the possible change of directors due to what had happened. Everyone is being monitored with their consent. Luckily, wala namang anomalya. They cannot blame us. It's part of our internal control. But I guess, it's just Amalia and her filthy ambitions.

"Anak, may kakausap sana sa iyo pero hindi ko alam kung papapasukin ko siya kaya sabi ko bumalik na lang siya." My heart automatically beats when I heard mom. Siya kaya yun? Oh God. Ano namang sasabihin ko sa kanya pag nagkita kami?

Sorry? Is that enough? Ugh.

Pumasok na lang ako sa kwarto ko at hindi na pinansin ang sinabi ni mama. Everything should be alright. I mean, everything is but me.

Stupid conscience. He just did what he needs to do. It just helped me solve  problems and that's it.

But why is he showing up now? For almost 2 years of not existing, ngayon niya pa naisipang bisitahin ako?

Are we- NO. Don't assume too much. The hate in my eyes was raging the last time I saw him. Kaya hindi ko aasahang iisipin niyang okay na sa akin ang lahat. He knows I am not that kind of person. Even if Amalia can't get a hold of any of her properties dahil inalisan na siya ng karapatan, he still knew I can't forgive that easily. He had seen me go through this kind of test years back, he will know my reaction on this.

But I changed. After I knew he did his best to stop his mom, wala na ata akong ibang mahihiling pa. He has proven himself. He is still the Azrieel that I love. Not perfect but sane in decision making. He is righteous at that.

Hopeless romantic, I am. God, for all these years, siya pa rin ang gusto ko. Ano bang gayuma ang nilagay niya sa akin para magkaganito ako?

Gone is Blythe, the strict CEO. Lauren, the hopeless romantic is back. Oh dear, I think I really gone mad about this.

Hindi ako nakatulog sa isipang bumisita siya sa akin kahapon. Bakit hindi siya dumiretso sa opisina. I know he knows because if not, how did he know where the house is?

"Anak?"  Mom called while we're eating breakfast. Bumaling ako sa kanya.

"Parang wala ka sa sarili ngayon. Gusto mo bang magpahinga muna? You know you don't have to really be present everyday in the company. Besides, your dad is now the President so you don't have to work your ass out."

"I'm fine, mom. The company is stable so I only go there  to check on things."

"Okay. Wala namang nagpapagalit saiyo sa opisina?" Dad added.

"Wala naman po. Bakit?"

"So galit ka lang talaga sa breakfast mo? You are murdering your food." Napatingin ako sa plato ko at kanina ko pa pala pinagtutusok at ngayo'y gutay gutay na at parang sahog na lang sa kanin.  Napabuntong hininga na lang ako sa nagawa ko.

"Is it about yesterday? Is it bad that I didn't let him in?"

Umiling lang ako sa sinabi ni mama. Hindi ko rin alam kung ano ba dapat ang gagawin kaya hindi ko alam kung anong isasagot ko kay mama.

"Shoul I let him in the next time he visits?"

"I don't know mom. Whatever suits you."

Wala nang nagsalita sa amin. Umalis ako agad  pagkatapos naming magbreakfast.

I have to go to KC.

"I think you forgot that I am a dentist, not a psychologist." KC said after hearing my rants.

"I think the term 'friend' equates psychologist. Come on, ikaw naman ang magaling sa ganito di ba? You're the love expert." Pamimilit ko. I am so tired of keeping this to myself. I need confirmation or rebuttal to my thinking.

"Love expert na walang lovelife? Tigil tigilan mo nga ako, Lauren. Sapakin kita riyan eh. "

"Mag ala Azura kaya ako ulit? Hindi pa naman niya alam na ako si Azura hindi ba? Kaya pwede pa siguro? Araay. KC naman eh."

"Iyong matino kasi. Hindi ka ba nadala sa nangyari noon? Sasaktan mo na naman siya? Magkakasakitan na naman kayo? Gaga ka ba? Hindi na ako nagtataka kung bakit hanggang ngayon, nasasaktan ka pa rin."

Silence.

Ambobo ko ata talaga sa love. Shit, truth hurts ego.

"Ang tanga ko na siguro to the nth level."

"Sinabi mo pa."

Silence.

I drew a deep breath until I relaxed my mind. At least nailabas ko na rin itong mga nasa isip ko.

At the end of the day, parang naalis ang mabigat  na bagay na nakadagan sa akin. I think it has to do with acceptance.

Accepting your mistakes. Accepting the truth. Truth is? Hindi ako magaling sa buhay. I can only decide when I have basis to base my decision from. Just like making decisions for the company. I may sometimes becomes aggressive but that's under my control. Responsibility may be too heavy but I can afford to lift the company up.

Sa love, wala naman kasing standards for basis. Love is spontaneous. It's unpredictable and I am clueless pagdating sa ganyan. Kasi wala naman talagang clue to ease your lovelife. All you have is to trust your gamble. Win or loss, that's for the future to tell.