Walk With Me

Crossroads

Reading Bo Sanchez’s life in his book “Your Past Does Not Define Your Future” is really devastating in my part because every word seemed to have a wounding effect- a knife that kept slicing the scarce of my past. To add in a very vulgar way of saying it, it drew a hell in me. 

Like the Bo-which has experienced sexual abuse- I also had an abuse but on the aspect of emotion. Who will never feel tired when none seemed to care, none seemed to console, and none seemed to be proud? I think, none of this world would answer in opposition. Moreover, I really hated that situation. It affected a lot of factors in my life. Most especially my self esteem, my philosophy and the way I view life. In the past or even now (though it seems to be clearer to me) I’m still trying to cope to the torture I’ve underwent.

To be more specific in what I had and am experiencing right now, I have a very low esteem that for me it’s hard to become strong and dependable. The manifestations of it are when people usually say, “Kaya mo yan,” I on the contrary believe another. In a very brief thought, I become a pessimist. Further, my philosophy becomes perfectionist. I believe it’s not only present the past but it still shows today. A glimpse of horror to the many is every time I lose a competition- where I gave my full effort, blood and sweat- I felt uncompensated. From these countless grimaces, “I am stuck belief” never ceased. Thus my view of life became so horrible that most of the time I feel so unworthy, so guilty, so hungry and thirsty, so depressed, and so tired.

Moreover due to this illness I have, I become a person who easily becomes attached to people but difficult to detach from them.  Perhaps, what Bo Sanchez’s thought on addicts applies to me, “That why they do such thing-not because they are cruel of themselves- but because they long for love.” I think so; I am a person who madly wants love. I guess they are the people who are willing to listen to my thoughts and who are willing to accept my entirety.

The book drilled a lesson in my heart, “Somebody cares.” Consequently, it opened my eyes more for my hidden tears to come out, it gave me shape by breaking me with the truth and it warmed my frozen heart to hope again. Because of this book I made a vow for myself:

I proved a lot, and then stop becoming a pleaser.

I am loved therefore I’m ought to love and to be given love.

Maybe, what I’m searching today may not be found but I believe it can be found through the unceasing grace of God.