Ghost - Elmax

Chapter 25 : Self-love

The two girls were sitting next to each other on this brown leather couch. It was early in the morning, just after the breakfast, and both girls were tired. Max was impressed, Jane didn't scream that night, but she didn't know if it was because she didn't have nightmares or if it was because it was a small one. At least, she slept. The psychologist entered and sat in front of them.

- "Good morning," smiled the woman. "How are you?"

- "Tired," answered sharply Jane.

- "Right, well, let's begin! To be short, I want you to get your body used to have soft physical contacts again. Nothing big, we'll do it step by step, and Max is here to help you."

- "What am I supposed to do?" asked the redhead.

- "Well, touch her."

Max frowned to Jane who didn't seem to like this idea.

- "It's bullshit!" told the brunette.

- "You don't have to do it right now, it's just to know which parts of your body you allow her to touch," explained the woman.

- "None! Nobody fucking touch me!"

- "She told me she couldn't feel me anymore, you don't think it's risky to force her to be touched while she is still traumatized!?" intervened Max.

- "It could help her to heal faster."

- "I'm not that sure. But you're the professional so...Jane? You remember at the beginning of our relation? One day I came to your apartment because I was stressing to touch you?"

- "Uh...yeah, why do you tell me this?" frowned Jane.

- "Well, the situation is kinda similar, but, this time, it's you who feels insecure."

- "That's exactly why I don't want to be touched!"

- "I know! It's just...we could do it slowly, like, I can try to touch your hand or your ear, and, if it's not okay, I stop, I just stop, that's all. What do you think?"

- "I...I'm not sure..."

- "Okay...Well, I put my hand on my thigh, and when you're ready, you put yours on mine, okay?"

Jane gulped with difficulties before nodding. She stayed a long moment watching the hand with a heavy breath and beads of sweat on her forehead and temples. She tried multiple times but every time she took back her shaking hand.

- "I can't..." whispered Jane with an upset tone.

- "It's fine, take your time," encouraged Max.

Jane took many deep breaths before finding some courage and placing her hand on Max's.

- "How do you feel?" asked the redhead.

- "I don't know...Not good...You don't feel disgusted?" answered Jane.

- "Disgusted? Why would I be?"

- "For nothing..."

Jane quickly took back her hand, rubbing it like if it was hurting, before looking away. Max looked at her with sad eyes. Seeing Jane not able to touch her hand without almost passing out was heartbreaking.

- "I'm sorry..." apologized Jane.

- "Don't be, it's totally normal," said the psychologist. "What did you feel when you touched her?"

- "Sick."

- "By her?"

Jane shook her head to say no, holding her tears.

- "Did you feel her?"

- "I think...but not everywhere..." sniffed Jane.

- "What did you feel?"

- "Them..."

Max felt her heart getting upside down. She hated bringing her such gross feelings, that was not what she wanted.

When Jane calmed down, the psychologist insisted for them to try again. Max placed her hands on the other girl's hands, cheeks, and ears, but every time she got dazed with the sensation of bricks in her stomach. The psychologist asked Jane to stay in front of a mirror and to watch herself, to watch her own body in his real way and not the way she was seeing it. Max wasn't there for this session, but when Jane reappeared in the room, she seemed more embarrassed than before. She stayed a moment standing, her arms around her chest like to hide it, and looking around with a worried expression on her face.

- "Jane? You're sure you're okay?" asked Max with a concerned tone.

- "Yeah, yeah..." answered the brunette with a shaking voice.

- "What did you do during this session?"

- "I...I saw..."

- "What did you see?"

- "Me...this is disgusting..." told Jane with tears falling.

- "No, Jane, you're not, don't think that," said the redhead with a sad voice.

Max slowly went to her, hesitated, but gently put her hands on her girlfriend's cheeks.

- "Look at me, Jane."

The brunette began to breath heavily but looked up at Max.

- "What happened is disgusting, there is no other word to describe it, but you, you're not, okay?"

- "You can't know that..."

- "Of course I know that, I've been living with you for years!"

- "No, no, you can't know that, you can't know..." continued Jane now looking down and sobbing.

- "Yes Jane, I know that, you're gonna be okay, I'm not letting you down, do you hear me? I'm not letting you down, okay?"

- "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..."

- "I know, it's okay, it's okay."

Max rubbed Jane's cheeks with her thumbs before placing a quick but soft kiss on her temple and putting her forehead against her girlfriend's. The redhead struggled to not cry too. She dreamt of physical contacts for months, but she didn't want it like that. Not because of that.