you dumb, sad bitch

9pm

song: lie to me by 5SOS

i'm in love with this boy. and i have been since the summer or 2018, and every time i see him i seem to fall more and more for him. something about him is worth waiting for.
i know how he is. how he treats girls like they're tissues, only to be used once and then discarded, but for some reason he hasn't discarded me yet. and seems to use me over and over.
nobody seems to care about it anymore. anytime i cry over him and say that i love him i'm simply told "don't" as if i can somehow control how i feel about him, yet i'm expected to listen to everyone else's hurt heart with sympathy and care. it's exhausting. constantly screaming for help only to be shut down and told to be quiet and to listen to everyone else's problems. not all of my friends are like that though, i have a few that do feel for me but have simply run out of things to tell me to make the hurt go away.
the worse thing about this hurt is that it's not actually a hurt, it's more of a numb feeling. like there's a void in my chest that i can't seem to fill. but am i really looking to fill it? i know the things i do are only temporary fixes but i like that. they give me some sort of thrill and high that i can't replace with anything else. and maybe i do them because i know i'll never get the boy i want. but maybe i don't know that.
his mom says he loves me, and that she knows i love him, and that we just don't know how to say it and that we're both scared because we've just been friends for so long. maybe there is a point in chasing after him. maybe there's not. maybe all of this is meaningless.
i love him. i really, really do love him. and there are so many mixed signals i don't know if he loves me back. even with that in mind, i don't want to get over him. i want to wait for him until he's ready. but when you tell his best friend how in love you are with the boy and he replies, "don't" what else are you supposed to do?