Broken Lantern

Chapter Four

We're sitting in the waiting room, it's unbelievably cold and even in Kevin's Varsity jacket, I'm shivering. I don't want to be here. I know I need to be, but this feels wrong somehow. It's not supposed to be Kevin sitting next to me right now, though I am very grateful to him for bringing me and for staying here with me.

Honestly, if it wasn't for him making this appointment and telling me he'd carry me all the way here if he had to, I wouldn't even be here in the first place.

Kevin had insisted that I see my doctor, even if I didn't want the ultrasound, although he had gone ahead and scheduled that too, "just in case", he had told me.

I lay my head on his shoulder and he wraps his arm around me, running his hand up and down my arm, trying to warm me up. "Do you want me to ask them to turn the heat up?"

"No, they keep it cold to keep the germs away", I tell him, not knowing if it's true or not but knowing that I'd heard it somewhere before. "And they wouldn't turn it up for just one person anyway but thank you."

"I'll find the thermostat and turn it up myself." He says, starting to stand up. He sounds oddly protective and very sure of himself. I just smile at him and shake my head, pulling him back down into the chair and leaning into him more. He holds me tighter and starts scrolling through his phone.

"Matt wants to know if he can stop by tonight with Britt?" he tells me, asking if I'm up for a visit. I nod my head and tell him I think that it would be nice to see them. He smiles and texts Matt back telling him it'll be fine; we'll be home around 5pm.

"Home, huh?" I say to him, raising an eyebrow and grinning.

"I didn't mean my home", he says, blushing.

"I'm just messing with you, Kevin. I think you do kind of live there right now though." I laugh and he grins at me, shrugging his shoulders. "I guess I kinda do." He laughs and adds, "I told you I'd go when you wanted me to."

"I like having you there. I don't want to be alone." I tell him as the door opens and they call me back. We walk down a hall and turn into the first room we come to. I silently thank God that the doctor's office doesn't look anything like the hospital. I don't think I would have been able to walk in here today had it resembled those corridors in any way. Just the thought of it makes me sick to my stomach.

"You ok?" Kevin breaks me away from my thoughts. "You're turning kind of pale there." He says, pulling the little black trashcan up in front of me.

"I'm ok. Just thinking about... stuff."

The doctor comes in and I'm so happy that I chose a female gynecologist. "How are we feeling today, Mrs. Williams?" she asks, making my heart hurt. "Can you call me Alice, please." I ask, looking over at Kev and then down at the floor, ashamed at not wanting to hear my married name.

"Yes, of course, Alice it is. So how are you feeling today, Alice? Has the baby been moving a lot? Are you feeling sick at all?" She asks, obviously taking note of my pallid complexion.

"I'm ok, I was just thinking of Darry..." my voice trails off and she nods as though she understands what I was going to say. She doesn't linger on it, which is nice, and I am grateful when she moves on to giving me a once over, making sure everything is ok with growth and such.

"Are you eating, Alice?" she asks, and turns to look at Kevin who nods at her, telling her that he's making sure I eat.

"Ok, because you have to eat, you know that, right? We can't stop eating, even if we don't feel like it." She says to me, with a very serious expression on her face. I nod and promise to eat more.

"Good girl", she says, patting my knee and grabbing my hand to bring me down to the floor in front of the exam table. She hands me a cup and tells me to fill it halfway and sends me down the hall to the restroom.

I know the drill by now and do as I'm told.

When I make it back to the room, the ultrasound tech is waiting for me, ready to take me back for the gender reveal. My stomach moves under the gown and I bring my hand to my belly.

"The baby is getting ready to show off for us", the tech says, smiling at me. She turns to Kevin and tells him we'll be right back. He smiles and says ok, he'll be right here.

"What? No. No way. I wouldn't have even come to this if it wasn't for him. He's coming back with me." I tell her, with a sharp tone and grab Kevin's hand pulling him to his feet. "Let's go", I say.

The tech agrees and starts out of the room, Kev smiling as I pull him with me.

"Yes, ma'am", he says, and follows me, not letting go of my hand. I turn to see him grinning and shaking his head, laughing at my bossiness.

I can't help but smile back at him. He's letting me pull him through the hallway of this doctor's office, while he's just a-smiling.

When we get in the room, it's very dark except for the lights of the monitor and a very dim yellow light over the head of the bed. The tech instructs me to get on the table and lay down. She asks if it's ok to pull the gown up, exposing my underwear in front of Kevin. I hadn't thought of that when I had insisted that he come with us. It just didn't cross my mind.

I look at Kevin who is fully red faced now and looking like he's going to turn and run out of the door any minute now.

"Yes, it's fine", I tell her, grabbing Kevin's hand and squeezing it. "Are you ok to stay with me, though?" I ask, praying he says yes.

"Of course. I won't leave until you tell me to, remember." He says and smiles, sitting in the chair next to the bed, keeping my hand in his the whole time.

The tech raises my gown and begins to put a very cold gel on my belly. Kevin keeps his eyes on my face or the monitor the whole time, trying very hard to be a gentleman. She stops before putting the probe on me and asks, "Do you want to know the sex of the baby, Alice?" I shake my head and Kevin looks at me with a surprised look on his face. "Alice are you sure?" he asks. "Yeah, will you tell him though, away from me, please?" I ask the nurse, still looking into Kevin's eyes. She agrees as me and Kev exchange a small smile.

I look at the monitor briefly just to see the baby's heart beating and I'm in awe of the shape of mine and Darry's child there on the screen in front of us. It's a black and white image, and I can make out the shape of the head, the side of the face; nose and all. The tiny little arm, hand and fingers are at the mouth, like the baby is sucking its thumb. I feel the tears coming, so I turn away from the monitor and watch Kevin's expressions as he watches everything the tech is doing and showing him. He is very focused, and his eyes are lit up as they shift from here to there, taking it all in. He looks at me and smiles, squeezing my hand gently.

"You ok?" he whispers.

"Yeah, I'm good."

The tech finishes up taking pictures and wipes the gel from my belly. She tells me to hold tight while she takes Kevin out into the hall to tell him the sex of the baby. I sit up and let my feet dangle from the edge of the tall table, waiting as patiently as possible.

When they come back into the room, Kevin smiles at me through tears. He's holding sonogram photos, that he shoves into his back pocket. He doesn't say a word, he just walks over to me and hugs me, lifting me from the bed into his arms. He rests his chin on my shoulder and asks, "Are you sure you don't want to know?" I tell him, "No, I don't want anyone else to know either." He pulls back, sitting me down on the bed, grabbing my shoulders, he looks at me, his brow furrowed. "What? Alice... no. I can't do that. Your parents... his parents, they all want to know. I don't even have a right to know."

"Kevin, I don't want anyone else to know, please, for me?"

He pulls me into his arms again and agrees not to say anything to anyone. "Can we go home now?" I ask and he helps me down off the table so I can go get my clothes back on.