Broken Lantern

Chapter Eleven

Back in the room, Joel is resting, his family has left to go home, wanting to eat and clean up, but Jess is still right there. She's leaned over the bed, her head lying right beside him, her hand over his. They're so sweet together. It makes my heart hurt to see them there like this; for all they're going through and because I'm jealous. I don't wish anything bad on Joel and I'm so happy that he's going to be ok, but why couldn't Darry wake up too? Why did Darry have to leave us? It's not fair! God, why?!

I have to leave the room. I've got to get away from here. These thoughts are ugly and all consuming. I'm ashamed of myself for envying Jessica for having Joel here with her still and for being upset with Joel, Matt and Kevin too, for surviving when Darry didn't. I feel the tingle all over my body. The heat rising through me.

Without saying a word to anyone, I turn and run down the corridor to the parking lot, tears starting to stream down my face, feeling like I can't breathe.

I run all the way to the cemetery without stopping and fall on my knees in front of the small angel statue, placed in his memory. I'm out of breath and sobbing like crazy. Even outside, in the open, I feel claustrophobic, like the world is closing in around me. My skin is clammy, and my thoughts are scattered. My heart is beating so hard and so fast that it feels like it's going to break through my chest and fall on the ground before me.

When I catch my breath, I scream and punch my fists into the ground underneath me, hitting the earth below where I am now. I am suddenly so angry; it feels like fire coursing through my veins and I can't stop screaming. I scream over and over, as loud as I can, until it feels like my throat is going to bleed. I stand up and look up to the sky, my hands thrown up in defiance and I begin screaming at God. "Why, Lord?! Why?!" I demand answers from Him now. "Why would you give him to me and then turn around and take him away? I don't understand this! Please help me understand! This isn't fair!!" I scream at the top of my lungs at the invisible presence that I know is there because I can feel Him all around me.

I drop back to my knees, crying again, "Please... Lord. Please help me understand this. What are you doing here? I need your help; I can't do this on my own", I tell Him, in whispered defeat.

I hear footsteps approaching from behind me, but I don't have the strength to lift my head that now rests on the grass. I continue to cry, allowing my tears to soak into the earth beneath me; unable to care about how uncomfortable I am lying like this and praying for God to take my feelings away, all of them. I just want to be numb because being numb has to be better than this.

I feel someone lie down behind me and an arm slides under my head, lifting it up and off the hard ground, another over my body, pulling me back against someone's chest. My eyes close and I drift away, leaving the nightmare that is now my life.

I'm in a beautiful place with magnificent castles and majestic palaces in the clouds. A man dressed in white robes that seems to have a glow radiating from all around him, walks up to me and puts his arm out to me, locking arms we walk together along the fluffy white clouds. He smiles at me and every pain, every horrible emotion, every anxiety and worry falls off of me. The only thing left is an overpowering sense of peace and love. I smile back at him and I realize that I'm walking with God!

He doesn't say a word, He just continues to walk with me, never removing His arm from my shoulders and He keeps smiling at me. When we reach the end of the clouds, He winks at me and nudges my shoulder, allowing me to fall slowly and peacefully to the earth below us.

I wake with a jolt and sit up, a smile across my lips and a new sense of comfort and peace in my heart.

I look over beside me to see who's there, who slid their arm under me and hugged me until I fell asleep? And I see the sweetest face, sleeping so soundly, a small grin across his lips. Kevin is there; he's always there. I think and smile, laying back down and scooting into his arms.

He shifts beside me and opens his eyes, locking onto mine. "Hey there", he says with a sleepy grin. "This is an odd place to nap, yeah?" He puts his hand on my arm and runs it slowly up and down, soothing me and letting me know he cares for me, deeply. "How are you feeling?" He asks, not asking what happened or why we ended up here. He simply wants to know that I'm ok and that warms my heart, making me feel an even stronger pull to him.

"I'm better now", I tell him. "but I don't know if I'll ever be the same." He pulls my head to his chest, smoothing the back of my hair and he kisses the top of my head. "I know, I don't think any of us will ever be the same again."

"Do you still want to go shopping?" He asks with hope in his voice. "Yeah, I think I'll be ok. I do think I want to leave this town though, too many memories here. I need to get out of here", I tell him right as Matt and Brittany pull up at the curb down the hill from where we are currently lying.

"They have impeccable timing, don't they?" He asks, smirking toward Matt's new Jeep. "Yeah, I think Matt can secretly read our minds", I tell him and laugh.

"I like that sound of that", Kevin says to me, sitting up and turning his body toward me. I sit up with him and look over at him, asking, "What? That Matt can read our minds?" the confusion showing in my tone. Kevin laughs and shakes his head, "No, silly girl. I like the sound of you laughing." He puts his arm around my shoulder and gives me a side hug. He stands in front of me at my feet and grabs both of my hands, pulling me up to stand in front of him. He hugs me, totally and completely engulfing me in his arms and I bury my head into his chest, taking in his wonderful scent.

He kisses my head and drops his arms, grabbing my hand to guide me down the hill toward the Jeep. "I won't tell you that everything's going to be ok, Alley, but I can promise you that I'll always be here for you and I'll help you in every way that you'll let me", he says to me before we make it over to our friends. He lifts my hand and brings it to his lips, kissing it and then helps me up into the Jeep, jumping in beside me and Matt takes off down the road, leading us out of town.

I feel the heaviness of everything I've been holding onto start to leave me; getting further and further from my mind with each passing mile. With the wind blowing through my hair, I feel at ease, throwing my arms up over my head, to let them feel the pressure of the wind and the freedom of the growing distance between me and that town.