Broken Lantern

Chapter Twenty-Three

The pain in Kevin's eyes when he sees us stabs me right in the chest. I want to go to him, to tell him how sorry I am and how wrong I was for behaving so harshly toward him. I want to tell him that it was all me, that none of it was his fault. But now is not a good time, service is about to begin and we're in a room full of people that do not need to know any of the details of our relationship.

All I can do is wait and pray that he understands why I haven't called him.

I sit through Pastor Rainey's sermon, doing my very best to listen and focus on the message God has laid on his heart to deliver to us today, but my mind keeps going back to Kevin, and I find myself looking in his direction. He looks as if he may be having a hard time too as he shifts in his seat, over and over again, his eyes on Pastor Rainey but the distracted expression on his face says he's not focused on the sermon either.

When he gets up and walks to the back of the church, disappearing through the doors behind us, I wait a few minutes and follow him out front.

He's pacing on the front lawn, his hands on his hips, his head down as he stares at the ground in front of him with each step. He doesn't even look up when he says, "Why did you come here today? You don't go to church. Did you come just to torment me?"

His words have frozen my feet to the spot where I stand. I'm caught off guard by his assumption, not knowing what to say, feeling both hurt by his words and shocked that he would believe such a thing.

"What? No, Kevin. Why would you even say that?" I ask, trying to hide the disappointment in my voice. "I didn't even know you'd be here."

He finally stops pacing and looks at us, his expression dark, full of anguish, and maybe a little angry too. But when he sees Dally, his expression lightens. He doesn't say a word, he crosses the distance between us and scoops her into his arms, kissing her cheek. He steps back a few steps and asks, "How's she doing?"

"She's doing fine. I think she misses you though. She's cried a little more at night, I think she's missing y'all's time together." I miss you too, terribly. I wish you'd forgive me and come home. I want to say it out loud, I want to tell him, but I can see how tense he already is, and I don't want to have an argument in front of the church right before it lets out.

That's all I need, for the congregation to see us having it out on church grounds, the first time I've visited in forever. They'd think I came today just to fight with him. No, thank you. I'm sure everyone will already think badly of me when they find out me and Kevin are together, if they don't already know; word does travel quickly in this small town.

"I miss her too", he admits, hugging her close to him and kissing the top of her head. "I don't like being away from her."

"Kevin, can you come home so we can talk please?" I ask, hoping he will agree, and we can work this out.

He hands her back to me, saying, "I don't think that's a good idea, Alley. I don't think either one of us is ready for that."

He turns and walks away, getting into his truck, he cranks it up and backs out of the parking spot. He squeals tires out of the church parking lot, and takes off through town, driving towards his parent's house.

I don't know what to think as I stand here, unable to move, contemplating the scene he just made trying to get himself as far from me as possible, as quickly as he could. He is either very angry, very hurt, or a lot of both. And I can't blame him, but I can't help how I feel either, well how I felt. Darry was everything to me, he's the father of my child, the love of my life, my best friend, and now my angel watching over us. The feelings of guilt that come from me feeling as if I am somehow betraying him and his memory, our marriage, the love we had for each other, I can't just turn that off. I wish Kevin could understand that.

But in all honesty, I know that Kevin isn't angry or hurt over my feelings for Darry, and I know he would understand my feelings about betraying Darry, if I had given him the chance to. I didn't try to explain anything to him, I had just lashed out at him for no good reason. I know why he's upset. I had agreed to marry him and then I had freaked out on him. And in front of everyone we love, no less. I had hurt and humiliated him all at the same time. I am the worst kind of person.

I walk over to the car and put Dally into her car seat and then I get in the front seat, putting the key in, but not turning it. I rest my forehead on the steering wheel, trying to wrap my head around our confrontation, if that's what you could even call it. I feel horrible, and I want to tell him. I want him to listen to me. But I understand that he doesn't want to get dragged back into this chaos, this indecisiveness. He is done with the ups and downs, just like I knew he would be one day.

As people begin to come out of the front doors, I turn the key and leave the parking lot. I head through town, passing all the same stores, all the same people and places that Kevin just passed. I'm picking up speed and before I know it, I'm pulling into his parent's driveway.

When I pull up to the house, Kevin comes out of the front door, letting the screen door slam shut behind him. His parent's house is a cute little white farmhouse with a wraparound porch. They have old white rocking chairs sitting on the porch, lining the wall all the way down the front. I love their house; it has a lot of history and a ton of charm. His great-great grandfather had been forced to build the house when their original home on the property was struck by lightning, burning it to the ground in the middle of the night, leaving them homeless with 5 young kids. It's an amazing story, one that I love to hear Kevin tell.

His great-great grandparents had lived in a small shed with all of their children, while his great-great grandfather and their surrounding neighbors labored over this house, day and night, trying to get it ready by winter, which was fast approaching. The shed had just enough space for all of them to sleep on blankets that they spread out on the floor each night. The kids would draw water from the well, and they'd all take turns "bathing" out of a pail. They'd eat meals outside on a picnic table their daddy had thrown together with old barn wood from years ago, when they had needed to expand their barn space.

They used the bathroom by digging holes in the ground and then filling them back in when they were done.

It's incredible how resilient they were and how they had refused to allow anyone to take them in, not wanting to be a burden on their family or neighbors.

Kevin's looking at me, wondering why I'm here, when he just told me he didn't want to talk. I grab Dallas out of the car and walk toward him. He stays on the front porch, leaning against the post at the top of the stairs. "What are you doing here, Alley?" He asks, his tone full of confusion and warning.

"I need to talk to you, Kevin", I tell him, stepping forward, bringing Dallas with me. "We need to talk about this."

"Alley, I think you've said all you need to say, don't you? You aren't ready for us; you're still married to Darry. And I understand that it's hard for you to let him go, I really do. But I don't think I can stay there with the two of you anymore", he says, his tone very guarded. "I can't keep loving you like I do, knowing it's only a matter of time and you will make me leave because I'm not him. I'll never be Darry, Alice."