Broken Lantern

Chapter Seventeen

The first days home with Dallas were a total circus. Neither Kevin nor I had any idea what we were doing, and I was so thankful for everyone that came to help us. My mom, Darry's mom, and Kevin's mom took turns on a rotating schedule; so, did Brittany and Jessica. The guys would all come in for holding time too, but the big helpers as far as meals, cleaning and baby aid, were the women.

She's been home for three weeks now, and we're just really starting to feel settled in. We haven't even really had a chance to think about getting ready for Christmas. It's a lot tougher having a baby here to care for, but I appreciate the distraction, as it doesn't leave much time to think about the utter sadness that has taken up residence in my heart over Darry's death and him not being here for this. I still think of him, how could I not? I see him every time I look into her beautiful little face. And I still have my moments, when I feel like I can't breathe. During those times, I have to hand her to Kevin so I can go sit outside and cry or just to clear my mind.

But the constant unbearable ache that was there, has been overshadowed by my intense love for our daughter and the fact that she keeps me moving; my thoughts consumed with caring for her and making sure she has everything she needs.

My favorite time of day, is in the evenings, when it's just the three of us in our room and Kevin has her lying on the bed in front of him, his legs spread out on either side of her and he's just enjoying quiet time with her. He plays baby pat-a-cake with her, holding her tiny little hands in his and bringing them together as he whispers the rhyme to her. Or he'll just talk to her in his best baby voice, while she concentrates on his face, trying to make sense of him. Dallas loves him so much. And he adores her too. I'm thrilled that they have each other.

We're in the bed now; I'm all tucked in on my side, ready to fall out but they're both wide awake. Kevin's mom is staying here with us tonight. I can hear her in the livingroom watching some sitcom on the tv, every now and then she'll laugh quietly, trying not to disturb the baby. Kevin and Dallas are having their nightly play date, he tickles her gently and her eyes go wide as she squirms under his hands. Her expressions are hilarious, and Kevin laughs, completely taken by her. I put my hand on his shoulder and run it down his back, he looks over at me, still holding her hands in his, "You ready to go to sleep?" I ask him, more pleading than asking really.

"Yeah, ok. I'll put her in her bassinet", He tells me, standing up and lifting her from the bed. Her bassinet sits beside Kevin's side of the bed, where she's slept since we brought her home, unless she ends up falling asleep on his chest or mine. But not tonight. I'm exhausted and I don't wanna risk not waking up if I need to with her in the bed.

"Thank you", I tell him, giving him a very weak and tired smile.

He lays her down on her side and pulls a receiving blanket over her. She's in a zip-up footie pajama, so the thin blanket is enough to keep her comfy and cozy.

When Kevin comes back to the bed, he crawls one knee at a time toward me, with a look on his face that says he's not as tired as I am. He hovers over me, wearing only pajama pants, his chest exposed and his arms flexing while they support his weight. He leans down to kiss my lips, as he pulls my hair back, moving his way down to my neck, he nips at the skin and runs his hand down my bare arm.

I lean back against my pillows, totally exhausted but loving his soft, gentle touch and the smell of his skin. He always smells so wonderful, like a dark and spicy chocolate patchouli. I know it's the remnants of his body spray, but I love how it smells when it's starting to fade a bit and the natural scent of his skin starts to mix with it.

He drops back suddenly and leaves the bed, going out the door, moving things around in the livingroom. He comes back in and sits down next to me on the bed, smiling at me and he grabs my hand dropping something in it and then he closes my fingers over the cold, round object. I open my hand and see a little silver ring with diamonds set into the band. My eyes go wide and then my expression goes blank.

"Calm down, Alley, I'm not proposing", he says, reading my reaction accurately. "This is just a little something that I bought to show you that I want to propose, one day. I want this ring to be a reminder of how much I love you, and that I'm here for you, always. One day I will ask you to marry me, Alley. I hope when that time comes, you will say yes, but until then, I hope you'll let me continue to love you and just lay here with you, holding you and kissing your sweet lips. And I hope you'll love me back."

I slip the ring on my right ring finger and lay my head on his shoulder. "Thank you, Kevin, it's gorgeous, and such a sweet gesture. I do love you, and yes, I want you here with me, always."

The next morning, I wake up to the sound of voices in the livingroom, just beyond the bedroom door. The smell of bacon cooking, makes me realize how hungry I am. I reach for Kevin, wanting to kiss his lips and tell him good morning, but he and Dallas are nowhere to be seen.

I lie in the bed for a few minutes, listening to the sounds of our family and friends in the livingroom. Daddy's talking to Dallas, I can hear his baby talk and then I hear Brittany, doing exactly the same. Matt and Kevin are talking to one another and then I hear Kevin's mom talking to Mr. William's. I smile, taking in all of the love and loving all of the voices now filling my house.

"Can you believe this, Darry? Our families are so wonderful, and she is so loved and cared for, babe. We love you and we miss you too. I wish you could be here to lay with me, listening to all of this... I hope you're at least watching us from up there." I whisper, talking to the air around me. The bedroom door cracks open slowly and then it opens all the way and Kevin steps through. "Mornin'. Who are you talking to?" He asks, looking around.

"I was just talking to Darry. Telling him about all of the love out there in the livingroom right now." I tell him, smiling at his sweet face.

"Oh yeah?" He says, crawling on his hands and knees up from the foot of the bed. He hovers over me and kisses my forehead, sitting back on his legs, he says, "He sees everything going on, I promise you. God's letting him see Dallas, I'm sure of it."

I love how understanding Kevin is and how he is always encouraging me, telling me that Darry sees us and that he is watching over our daughter. He's so loving and caring, he doesn't even flinch when I tell him I was thinking of Darry or talking to him, he is just immediately supportive.

I don't know what I'd do if he were ever jealous or hurt by my love for Darry. I'm so happy that I don't have to find out.