Stay Away From My Friends

chapter 33: awkward

After my shower and a lot of thinking I stand up turning off the shower. On shaking weak legs I get out almost falling. Its frustrating not being stong enough to properly walk.

I look at my clothes and groan a little. I hate the feeling. He told me these are my clothes and they fit but I've never seen them before.. Its not mine..

Slowly I put my briefs on and then sit down on the floor. "Are you okay in there?" Oli asks. He's so... worried about me. He cares about me and it confuses me.

I dont know him. I dont remember us falling in love. I dont love this guy. I'm attracted to him.. I think. Like he's really hot and seems really nice but I dont know anything about him. It's so one sided.

He looks at me like I'm the world to him but I look at him like he's a stranger.. "yeah, um.. just getting dressed," I says and pull my knees to my chest. I'm so sad.. it's like I'm not me. I have no life or purpose.

Im too scared to look through our texts.. what did we talk about? Slowly I put on my shirt and play with my sweatpant not really ready to put them on.

"Um.. can I come in?" He asks.

"No. Why?" I say and I hear him sigh.

"I don't know, I just want to be with you," he says. He always wants to be next to me.. It's like he has attachment issues. 

My heart hurts because I don't understand this. I'm hurting him by not loving him but I cant fake it. I hear him lean against the door.

I don't know how to open up.. I don't want to keep reminding him that I don't remember him. He's so stressed out and it's all my fault. I put on my pants and scoot away from the door and bite my nails as I look at the door.

I stand up and look in the mirror. Its weird to see myself now. I'm older and my hair is longer.

I open the door slowly and he scrambles up shoving his sleeves down. "Help me to my bed?" I ask and he tries to pick me up but I step back.

"I just need you to let me hold your arm as I walk," I say awkwardly. He clinches his jaw a little.

"Sorry, I just.. get excited," he mumbles and holds out his arms. I hold on to him and we walk slowly to my bed. He watches me as I get on my bed and it just.. feels weird.

This is the worst thought but it's like he's my stalker. I have no clue on who he is but he knows everything about me.. "um.. tell me stuff about you? I feel bad that I've forgotten everything about you," I say and he runs his hand through his hair.

"Well.. um.. were do you want me to start?" He says and I look at him with a blank expression. Where do I want him to start?

"Family? Or relationships before me? Literally anything, it sucks not knowing things I should know," I start mumbling at the end.

"I have a brother named Tom and my parents are divorced. I lived with my mom and her wife for a little while but I got ran away and lived with.. mmm.." he pauses and rubs his face.

"Fuck, I'm sorry. What's a easier topic?" He asks stressed out.

"Its fine, I'm just going to take a nap," I say pulling my blankets over me. He's quite for a moment.

"I'm sorry.." he whispers.

I pull my blankets over my head and curl up more. I dont know how to respond or act around him. I just want my memories back but I haven't had one memory come back.

When I try to think of Oli it's like looking for a chair in a empty room. It's just not there. "I'm going to smoke outside, I'll be back," he says leaving.

Why am I so awkward?

Theres a part of me that really feels bad for him and I want to keg him hug and kiss me but another part of me tells me otherwise. I've never been am affectionate person.

I dont know how to be comfortable with hugging and all this. It's hard to think about him sexually before it's so awkward. He's like a stranger and he's a guy.. I don't know how I feel about this.

I thought I was Asexual..

Does he know this? Wait, he said we had sex a lot.. That's another thing that in a way creeps me out. He's seen me naked and seen me at my most vulnerable. He's seen me cry, laugh, and he'll knows what.

Yet I dont remember anything..

Do you consider this as sad?

What do you think?

Will kellin remember?

Is Oli going to get kellin annoyed at his clingy-ness?

How hurt do you think Oli is because of this?

Thoughts