Stay Away From My Friends

chapter 36: a hundred sleeplessness nights

I've slept so long but I'm still exhausted and weak. Carefully I get out of my bed. All last night and yesterday I've been in my room ignoring people. It's about 2am but I had the same dream but I remember Oli picking me up from a store and me crying in his car.

I don't remember anything else or if we even talked. I get up and shuffle to my door. Slowly I leave my room and go to the one acrossed.  When I open it after a soft knock I see Oli laying on his back on the carpeted floor.

He sits up and looks at me worried. "Um.. I had a dream.. and.. can I just hang out with you?" I mumble and he gets up. I close the door and lean against it for support.

He comes over and before touching me he sees he's about to be to forward if he does touch me. "Um, want me to carry you to my bed?" He asks.

"Sure.." I whisper nervously. He picks me up and carefully takes me to his bed. He's really strong and sweet.. once in on his bed I get under his covers of his made bed.

"I'm sorry I'm so distant. A lot tells me we were very open but it's hard to do that.. in my mind I feel like I'm going to be judged. Danny, my parents, all the people in my school, and online. So waking up and hearing that you apparently wont judge me... it's just hard to comprehend," I tell him.

He nods and sits next to me. He sighs and leans against the headboard. "Yeah, I've been doing a lot of thinking and see how hard it must be for you. Maybe we can start over? I'll pretend I just met you and we can just talk and.. we can work this out," he says looking unsure of himself.

"That sounds good.." I agree. "I um.. did my mom jump out a car because my dad was playing chicken?" I ask and he looks at me with a weird expression.

"Y-yeah, I'm sorry like, I'm happy you remember that but that's not a happy thought," he says looking happy but concern.

"Its so vague, but I guess it's a start?" I say and get the strangest feeling.

"T-that hoodie. Its white and has graffiti on it? I want it," I say really wanting it. He smiles and before I realize what he's doing his lips are on mine. My reaction is.. bad. I push him away and fall off the bed at the same time.

I scrambled to the wall and put my hands in my hair pulling. "I cant fucking do this! I dont know you. Kissing is not something I can do right now. It's like kissing a stranger. Yeah your hot but I. don't. fucking. Remember. You," I having a breakdown because I dont know how to handle this.

He comes up and sits about four feet away from me. I cry into my knees and he looks sorry. "I.. I got excited.. I thought maybe you remembered-.. I'm sorry kellin," he says and I sniffle. He looks like he might cry.

I shouldn't have yelled.. I slowly uncurl and look at him. "I.. I'm really stressed. It's not you- it's like who you are to me. Being in a relationship is fucking scary. I shouldn't be so defensive.. I know that.. but its who I am. I'm fucking scared of everything and you.. you're so new to me.." I tell him trying to talk it out. I need him to understand that I just need time.

I cant have him kissing me.. not yet.. "its really hard to wrap my brain around that.. but I'm trying. Um, okay. How about this. You make the first move out of everything. I'll go with whatever speed you want. Fuck, kellin.. you just mean so much to me. I thought you were going to die. Then I heard you woke up-" he pauses and wipes his falling tears.

"I was so happy- I still am. I-im overreacting.. every time I see you I want t-to hug and kiss you. I know you don't want to hear that but I've been so fucking sad since you got into the hospital and its getting better knowing you are a-awake but it hurts to know you dont love me.. you don't even like me," he says trying to stay strong but he cant stop the tears.

"I.. can you answer questions?" I ask and he nods.

"Would you rather me move away and we go on a break and we both get are minds straight and meet up and start again. Or would you want us to told for hours about what I've forgotten and me just.. trust you.. I'm not saying sex.. but just... trying to remember and stuff," I say.

"But answer what you truly would be for the better. You seem a little.. obsessed with me. Maybe you need to take a break?" I add and he's fiddling with the carpet.

"H-how about you give me a week. We go on dates, talk, and do fun things. After the week you can decide if you want to continue or have a break," he says almost desperately.

"No sex right? That's not what 'do fun things' means right?" I ask clarifying it. I'm scared to just jump right into things.. I just want to cut myself and maybe kill myself. Maybe in a week I'll just kill myself.

"Right, dont worry about that. Let's go to sleep in my bed so we can start the week off waking up next to each other?" He asks hopefully.

"Y-yeah.. um.. hoodie?" I ask and he smiles. He jumps up and runs over to his closet and pulls it out. He then tosses it to me and I catch it.

"I'll be right back," he says rushing out the room.

I really like that he respects me so much..

Woo

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