Truth (a Divergent Fanfic)

Chapter Seventeen

Hey guys,

So it was my birthday on Friday and this is the first (hopefully of many) updates from MY NEW LAPTOP.

Whoo hoo!

Anyways, I've got the ending all planned out now, so stick with it! I'm trying! I'm sacrificing the quality of my Spanish homework for you guys!

Enjoy,

Rae x

*****

“Each night I cry, I still believe the lie, I’ll love you ’til i die.” ~ Queen, Save Me

*****

I am jolted back to consciousness when a sort of wet spray mist sprinkles the surface of my skin. I am being carried through some sort of… chasm, I guess, with walls of rock on either side, and I’m surprised that this is even allowed - this never would have passed the strict Erudite health and safety code. And then I remember where I am, and what happened. I look up at my rescuer, and my face immediately brightens.

Tobias. of course. I kiss him softly on the cheek, and he shyly smiles down at me. “Amber Rose?” His voice is deeper now, and he’s taller and broader and he acts more confident, but he’s still so very much my Tobias that it makes my heart sing and ache helplessly at the same time.

“How did you find me?” I whisper into his ear as he carries me bridal style down the maze of corridors. “I thought you didn’t remember who I was.” 

“I didn’t.” And his voice is so kind and with that sexy Tobias undertone that insinuates he’s making a joke that only he can understand - and it’s just so familiar that even after all I’ve just been through, I relax. I’m sore and I’m tainted and I’m traumatised beyond belief, but I somehow still manage to relax in Tobias’s arms because they’re the only place that’s ever really felt like home to me. “I was so terrified of… you know, him, that I built a mental block of sorts to all my memories before Dauntless. But then I heard you scream like you did the first time I properly noticed you, and it all came flooding back to me.”

We pass more walls, more locked doors, more drunk, tattooed and pierced people as I grumble sarcastically. “Right. Because only recognising me from my screaming isn’t depressing at all.”

He chuckles. “Those Candor are really rubbing off on you, huh?” I smile at the thought of Jules and Callie’s sass becoming a part of who I am - they would be so proud. The thought is heart warming really because I’ve looked up to them so much, and it would be just so nice to have, one day, someone look up at me like that.

I clutch my arms tightly around Tobias’s neck and I’ve never felt so dependant on someone else and still so good. How does he manage to make me feel safe after everything? He’s the best friend in all of Chicago and I’m really really glad to have him back.

We’ve reached a door, so Tobias stops in front of it. He places me down slowly into a standing position and moves away from me to unlock it. I feel helpless and I realise that I’m still in only my underwear and it’s getting colder. He struggles with the lock, and I watch his muscles flexing and I wonder how hard he must’ve and to train to get them. I personally don’t find muscles the most attractive thing about another human being but I know that many of the Dauntless do - how many admirers does he have? Does he have a girlfriend?

Has he seen Tris?

The door is finally opened and Tobias motions for me to follow through. I take one step and cry out in pain; I can’t walk right now, it hurts too much. Tobias, slings me over his left shoulder, thankfully not the one I puked over earlier, and I choke-sob into it as we continue.

It’s a tattoo parlour. I’ve never seen one except from pictures in Faction behaviour class at Erudite, but I know there’s more that one at the compound. How can the Dauntless mark themselves so easily? Don’t they know it’s the permanent things that hurt the most, that leave the largest scars? How can they bear these permanent marks upon them when everything is changing?

I perch myself on the edge of the table, gingerly swinging my legs because I don’t know what else to do and I can’t find anything else to say. Tobias turns to me and says, “I’ll be back in a minute, Amber. I’m just going to find someone to help us.” Help us. As in, by helping me, he’s helping himself because it causes him pain to see me this way.  No, don’t leave me here with myself, Tobias. I need you. But I watch the door quietly slam shut behind his leaving figure. And I’m alone.

My eyes scan the room for more information about where I am and why Tobias took me here. Do I still trust him? Of course. Should I still trust him? I have no idea anymore.

But there’s a knife on the shelf behind me. A throwing knife, with the blades and edges sharp, ready for an attack, an assault, or to defend. Slowly, carefully and almost in awe, I pick it up. It fits perfectly into my fingers, like it was made for them. The light shines off it and I remember how when times got bad back home, I used to completely lose my soul and heart into whatever we were doing. And right after Eric’s girlfriend committed suicide, the school was teaching light.

It was an extraordinary concept, to teach us about the thing we have needed all our lives, to see, to survive, to grow plants. Light was the best thing that ever happened to me, and I needed it to be able to chase away the nightmares and the monsters with each new sunrise - even if it was almost ironic because those days were so dark, literally and metaphorically.

As I spin the deadly sharp blade in between my fingers, around and around, I watch the light spark off it. The reflections, of me, the ceiling, the tattoo designs are shone at each different angle, glancing off into different spaces.

It’s sharp. My skin looks paper-white and pale against it, and I wonder if it would cut right through me. And I wonder if I should try and I wonder… no.

How could I be so stupid as to put my curiosity before - potentially - my life? I want to know - I want to know how deep I could cut, how much blood would flow, how much the pain it would cause would detract from my emotional pain. But it’s stupidly stupidly Erudite, and not only would it be bad to do it at home, I’m not even supposed to belong there any more. I’m supposed to be Candor, to be with Callie and Jules, to wear black and white and speak the truth. I can’t do it - I can’t.

You have to, Amber. And the voice in my head is right. Shakily, scared out of my wits by my own traitorous thoughts inside my own traitorous head, I put the throwing knife down. No. No, no, no, no, no. I won’t. I’m strong. I believe. It makes a clunk noise as I drop it the last few centimetres. With my toe, I kick it away, well out of my reach so I will not be tempted.

Slowly, to avoid pain, I draw my legs up to my chest and place my arms around them. Curled up like this I’m warmer, safer, and I won’t let myself hurt myself any more to just take the easy way out. I’ll survive, I’ll move on, I’ll be a better and stronger person than I ever was before. I will tell the truth.

You have to, Amber. And the voice in my head is Callie’s.

You have to. For me.