Truth (a Divergent Fanfic)

Chapter Thirty One

Getting dangerously close to the end now guys. Don't know what I'll do when this is over! 

Dedicated to Alice (pink_banana_3), because she's new to Wattpad and she's awesome and I promised.

Love ya,

Rae x

P.S. Was your prediction right, Shania? Read to find out... ; P

*****

“Cause there's a blaze of light in every word,

It doesn't matter which you heard,

The holy or the broken Hallelujah,” ~ Hallelujah

*****

I twirl the rope through my fingers as I sit alone on my bed and they’re blistered and it hurts but it takes my mind off the worse pain in my heart. What Julian did… well all I know is that there is a fine line between bravery and stupidity and he may have crossed it. Except I’m not supposed to say that, because we saved those innocent children. And I can’t say anything bad about him or the things he did, because he’s dead. Gone.

Some part of me wont accept his death, even though I witnessed it myself. Julian isn’t dead; he can’t be. Because I still hadn’t accepted and forgiven him for everything. And I need him alive, here, so that I can tell him that I have.

But as I twist my rope through my rope-burnt fingers, I realise that he doesn’t need my forgiveness. While he was still living, Julian’s only main fault - the thing that pushed a gap in our friendship more than anything else - was his falling in love with me. And who am I to judge someone for falling in love with the wrong person? Didn’t I do exactly the same, after all? Didn’t it hurt me, just as much as it hurt him?

And it’s my fault.

Because I couldn’t repair the rip that I caused in his heart.

*****

We’re back to the same routine, here at Candor. Sure, Callie and I talk now, but she still definitely avoids touching me and to be honest I don’t completely blame her. But still - it’s a little discouraging to wake up every morning with her lying curled up on the hard, cold floor. And she still runs away to god-knows-where every time something happens, every time we accidentally share a smile or a gaze or we just get too close in general.

I sigh, wishing things could just go back to the way they were before everyone knew as I strip my clothes off ready for bed. The harassment from Elecia and the other kids is ongoing and I want it to stop. But most of all I want my friend back - all of her. Brushing my hair and wiping my face bare of makeup in the bathroom mirror, I stare in wonder at my reflection. I look confident. Unbreakable. But I know that I’m not. With everyone treating me like they do, I am tired of the exclusion. So go to hell, you perfect mirror image of the girl that never existed. You’re not me. I am. And I wish I wasn’t. And on impulse I throw the hairbrush with force at the mirror, leaving a spider-web crack across the shiny surface. It distorts my image, and I wince. I doubt Callie will be ecstatic that I’ve broken her bathroom mirror.

When I enter the dark bedroom, Callie’s already asleep, occupying her normal location of the floor, with the blanket fallen off and her head lying at an uncomfortable angle on the wooden floorboards.