Truth (a Divergent Fanfic)

Chapter Nineteen

When darkness comes upon you

And covers you with fear and shame

Be still and know that I'm with you

And I will say your name ~ Be Still, The Fray

 

*****

I walk into the dining hall amongst the chatter of the Candor and the shouts and insults of the Dauntless and no one notices me. It’s alright. I choose not to be noticed by people I don’t care about. My spirit is renewed, my heart, my bravery are refreshed. My almost strut-like walks are as big as I can manage, my chin is up, and the pain from the needles that Tori stuck into me has finally cleared my mind. The bandage around my wrist covers my new tattoo so that the skin has a chance to mend, and reminds me that I too, am healing. Slowly. And so is my broken heart.

After finding Jules and Callie, who look slightly worried, I slide onto the bench next to them, the heels on my shoes scraping and clicking on the floor as I swing my legs round to sit properly at the table. I reach out to take one of Callie’s chips from her plate, and she smacks the back of my hand as though I were a small child, making me drop it… but then I catch her eyes. 

She takes in my changed clothes, my freshly applied makeup, so much bolder than I would ever normally wear, and her gaze flicks down to the bandage on the inside of my right wrist before our eyes sink into each other and I fall deep, so deep.

She leaps at me and holds me so tight. She knows; she knows. She understands that I’ve been away, that I’ve been afraid, that I’m trying to be stronger. For me. For everyone.

“Where have you been?” she whispers into my ear, through my thick hair, so soft that I can barely hear it. But I don’t want to talk about it because I only want to move on, because I only want to move forward from now on. No more looking backwards.

So I just shake my head slowly, and she releases me. Her head is bowed, so that I can’t see her face. “I was worried.” she says.

“I’m okay.” And I am.

*****

All my old memories are being condensed into a few hours, I see, because I spot Tris laughing with other Dauntless initiates at the table opposite mine. She doesn’t see me, because I’m small and hidden away by Julian’s height. But I can see her.

She’s as captivating now as she ever was, and a whole lot more confident now that she’s free, but I don’t feel that same pull towards her that I did before. The basic attraction that I felt towards her, the link forged through our reluctance to be ourselves is gone now she is.

But, I ask myself, why do I feel as though I have a stronger link with Callie? She isn’t in pain, hasn’t tried to kill herself, is herself, is stronger than I’ll ever be and is, as far as I’m aware, content. So why do I feel a link between us based on some sort of secret grief?

She’s looking at me now, Callie’s looking at me with narrowed eyes, as if the fact that I’m thinking about her is also alerting her thoughts to me. 

“Who’s that?” she says and there’s an edge to her voice I haven’t heard before. It makes her sound bitter, and full of longing, but maybe that’s just me reading her wrong. Maybe she isn’t, but to my ears, she sounds almost… jealous.

Or maybe that’s just me hoping.

But I smile back at her anyway, because the thought of her getting jealous over me is so cute I cant help it. And maybe it’s only my interpretation, my daydream, but even so, for now, it’s not a daydream I mind living.