Autism, From Someone Who Is On The Spectrum

Autism and Emotional Abuse (February 2020)

"When you emotionally hurt an Autistic person, you are not just hurting our feelings temporarily. Emotional wounds damage our confidence and make us question our intuition. It makes old wounds to open again. Our brain automatically centers us as the perpetrators of our pain, even if we had nothing to do with it. It makes us question our judgement and toss our entire belief system out of the window because, look at that, we were wrong. Again. Every time someone hurts us, it makes it harder to trust the next person that comes after them. If you want to be involved with an autistic person, please be clear with your intentions and honest with your feelings. The damage you can potentially inflict goes beyond your relationship with them; it affects an entire human being. The way we will open up to future people and how those interactions will evolve. The way we will let ourselves be who we are and feel what we feel or if we will restrict our true selves just to avoid more pain."-The Autistic Life

Many people can relate to this quote because more people do not realize that what they say cause emotional wounds. The older I get the more I aware that some of moments in my life were both emotional abuse and verbal abuse. I do not even like writing that sentence because I sound dramatic but I have kept that secret for most of my life. But in the area, that one of my parents teasing and bullying is a normal occurs because that is how you show that you care. Many times, the teasing and bullying is plain mean including being told as teenager that I would never get a guy because I was overweight which this was coming from someone, who is obese (which the other parent know this took place until recently when I told them randomly). That is only one of many comments that were not nice things for child to hear from a parent. You want to know when you confront someone like that when you are hurt by them, they either take things personal or they run and hide because they can not handle the truth. When you learn that early age you keep a lot of things away from everyone because those type of people act perfect in public so more people think you are make things up. 

But growing up with someone like that, you questions your confidence in many situations. But that is normal for everyone then add Autism on top. It is compounded on us. In many ways, people always that Autistic are naive in relationship because we want to see the best in people. But the more people, who manipulate in one way or another. Instead of causing issue trusting the next person that comes along, it also cause us to not believe that there are good people in this world and not trust ourselves when it come to relationship. I had two situation on top growing up with someone like that. I had a teacher, who never tried with me but turn out to be a sex offender in high school and he went after almost all the girls in high school years of my school except for me. While I am thankful now, that I was not one of those girls. It was teacher someone I had dealt with from age 13-age 17 and taught me you cannot trust everyone because they can be hide secrets and sometimes those secret can be hurt everyone. I learned to more selective about things based on that situation. About a year later, I had a guy come into my life and when I actually made him work for me. I was too much work for him and then he said he did not like me that way but he definitely was into me that way. He did not appreciate that I had enough self-respect to make him work for me. But those two situation made me question myself more than other people in the world.

After dealing with those two situation and growing up the way I did. I questioned myself in many ways for many years and kind of thought I would never find anyone who would like or love me for me. I always felt bad for being myself because too many people made me feel like that I wrong the way I am. And many people were not aware that is food became comfort because it was one of the only things that did not care that I was different. In the last year, I know that will not solve my problems in life. And the main reason, I working toward losing about 40 pounds which I am half way there is because that comment will never be the reason I am single but I have work  toward hopeful help myself with a chronic pain condition I have dealt with years. But too many people were convince that losing weight would solve the issue but in my case the more active I am the more side effects I have deal with my issue. Guess happen when you change your habits when deal with a person, I grew up with instead of being proud of you, they still want to fault in your process because they do not have self-control to change anything but complain that things are not changing. 

Most of my life, I was convince that I had to hide the "Autistic" parts of myself because most people will not understand them. But in the last 5 years, I have become more comfort with being the way I am so I stop hiding those things that weird to everyone. It was until I was out of college did I realize that is not something to be ashamed of because it is explanation for my being. The people, who have issues with that is their issue and has nothing to do with me.

This is part of the reason, the boy situation I have been dealing with for the year and half is so good for me no matter what anyone else because I am learning that not everyone is like the people have manipulate me in the ways I dealt with. But the most important that I have not question his feelings for me. For me, that is best thing in because I am learning to trust myself again in a ways I never thought I would be. So that is one of many reason, that I am okay that is not more than friendship because he has give more than he is aware of. I am back in mindset more people are good than not. But that is big change when you have been taught over the years that there is too many manipulative people in the world. 

"If they are not able to touch your dark, your light may blind them."-Sonia