You know, some might be in disbelief over why I feel the way I do. As a kid growing up, some thought I had things handed to me. They don't understand the role that I had to play. The high unrealistic expectations that I had to reach, but failed every time. From the outside looking in, I had it all. Honestly, I never thought about how different my perspective was about my childhood until now.
Was I financially taken care of? Of course. When you're a child, you don't think about anything other than when you were going to get the next thing that you had your eyes on. I was different. I paid attention to everything around me. Questioned a lot of things, but kept it to myself. Later in life, I became an expert at that; not realizing the damage that I was inflicting onto myself.
Growing up, I wasn't taught the tools of how to deal with certain emotions. Why? I never seen it. Everything was internalized. You would hear gossip here and there; but you didn't hear people expressing their feelings or showing emotions, other than anger, about it. It was always, "You'll get over it.", "Suck it up.", or the infamous opinion of what you're doing wrong. I wasn't taught how to deal with it.
On the outside, I was seen as strong and confrontational. Nobody had to worry about me because I could handle myself. I was always looking after everyone else. Boy, were we wrong. I was the weakest. I was just better at keeping things to myself or dismissing it regardless of the telltale signs on my face. I'm always seen as the villain or cold hearted one. I was seen as the one who never cared. When in reality, I cared a lot. I just couldn't show vulnerability. I didn't want to be seen as weak. The crazy part of all this...I'm at my lowest...some of you view me as weak rather than trying to help me which caused me to be even more sheltered and protective of myself.
More protective of my tribe's mental state as well. Some of you just justify away my feelings because you don't know how to deal with it. I don't blame you for that though.
I just wished you didn't dismiss me so easily.
YOU ARE READING
Letters To Myself
RandomIn this book, I share my letters that I wrote in a notebook. Each letter expresses my raw emotion and it isn't in chronological order. It's an ineffective way to get my thoughts out, although it never left. I wanted to share my emotional rollercoas...
