Letters To Myself

9

I'm filled with intense regret this morning.

Overwhelmed with sadness.

I feel like I'm losing him, even though I know that he's there.

For me, things feel awkward between us.

There's this distance.

I already lost him because he left.

But, this feeling is different .

Within my soul, I feel like he's fading from me.

You know, biblically, when you're married, two become one.

Now that he's living his separate life, I feel like half of me has left.

But, I really feel it today.

It's starting to feel like goodbye.

Regardless of him saying that he'll always be there.

They are just words that I can't believe.

He once said that he would never leave me and he did.

He swore that he would love me until death parted us.
Yet, screamed in my face that he would never love me again.
I will never love you ever again!
You were a mistake.
I don't love you anymore.

Phrases no one wants to ever hear.
Words that cut me to my core.
To this day, thinking of it, brings tears to my eyes.
He told me once,
"I tried to get you to hate me, so it's easier for you to let me go."

It only made me think that I'd done something wrong and that you never loved me at all.
Just what you thought you wanted from me.
You don't need 13+ years to say someone is too different from you.
Was he ashamed of me?

I do want my Damian back, but again, as much as it hurts; I'm trying to be respectful of his space.

Literally, I love this man....to death.

Maybe, I was the toxic one.

Maybe, I'm toxic to him which is why he never wants to be with me again.
He felt like I held him back.
Why didn't he see that I always had his back?