Letters To Myself

29

I watch him interact with the kids.
It felt like nothing had ever happened.
We were just a family enjoying lunch together.
Our random moment of laughter.
How it seems that we've turned into each other due to a few mannerisms.
I caught you looking at me.
When you thought, I was "spaced out."
I don't want to assume, but I saw a smile across your face.
A smile that I hadn't seen in a very long time.
It was short and sweet.
Then, I saw a look of sadness.
Was it a moment of regret?
When I looked at you, instantly, it went away.
That moment that our little girl cried about wanting her whole family to go on a walk.
I saw that look on your face again when you held her.
That's why I began to look sad.
That's why my mood changed from a high to a low.
Seeing the "bruise" on your collarbone was another knife stab at the heart.
That's why I said "no" when you noticed that I saw it.
I didn't want to hear an explanation or some sort of comment.
Its obvious that it marked it's territory.
You told me that you didn't like seeing me sad.
I said, "Stop giving me a reason to be."
"I don't be meaning to" was your response.
It doesn't matter how many "family days" we have.
Seeing you drive away afterwards always hurt.
I don't understand how it's not uncomfortable for you.
It's not that I don't appreciate the time and effort.
But, excluding the girls, why do it if you know that I'll be affected in some way?
Why make all these plans with me as "my friend" knowing how I feel about you?
I don't know what goes on in your mind or what you deal with in your life there.
When it comes to us, I think that's the door you kept avoiding.
You place other things and people in your life, so you don't have to open that door.
I think.
And if I'm right, babe, one day, you might be too late.
I won't be here when you open it.
And, you know what I mean.
You know me well enough to know that once I no longer care:
You no longer exist or matter to me.