Letters To Myself

30

Yesterday's conversation was emotional.
I had a breakdown.
Even while talking, I still felt like he wasn't listening.
I felt like he was taking what he assumed  I felt and using that.
When I tried to defend my stance, it fell on deaf ears.
We agreed that there were miscommunications on both parts in our marriage.
However, it always feel like 90% was my fault.
Especially, when you feel blamed for many things.
The only things I ever blamed him for was not making me feel like his wife; putting others before me; cheating; not being entirely honest with his feelings; and leaving me.
I felt that taking a break would have been a better route.
To work on ourselves.
He saw different.
I asked him, "Why are you afraid of the thought of us being together again?"
His response. "I'm not afraid of the thought."
Every relationship has battles, but he went AWOL, lol.
Myself...
I wasn't perfect.
I should have tried harder to see his point of view.
To help more.
But, I never thought our relationship was bad enough to end like this.
I...I miss him being round.
I miss his presence.
The sound of the video games playing in the livingroom.
The smell of pepperoni.
The sound of YouTube playing from his phone.
Him calling me, "Babe."
The sound of his heartbeat when lying my head on his chest.
Something that I hadn't done in such a long time.
He asked me, "Why are you only pining for me when you're going down this road?"
That's the crazy thing.
I'm not pining.
I miss him on my high days and my low days.
I miss him everyday.
Every night.
I think about him everyday.
Every night.
Just like I did when we were together.
The trouble is, then, I had a hard time expressing it.
When you're in your own head about how how you're feeling, nothing comes out right.
I could only express my sadness as he could only express his anger.
It doesn't mean that it wasn't there.
After recognizing my faults, while being sad, I've shown that it was there the whole time.
However, I don't think he believes me.
As I told him, outside of us, i never felt like i measured up to anything.
I never met expectations.
Always falling short.
When I didn't care what people thought, I was seen as cold and callous.
When I cared a little bit, I was seen as guarded.
When I care a lot, I'm seen as putting everyone first except myself.
I'll admit that I've neglected myself.
Although the conversation started off harsh and raw, the end was calm.
I really love that man.
He says that he knows.
But, there's a difference in knowing and believing.
Someday, I want him to believe it.
I don't care if I have to tell him everyday or say it internally.
I mean it.
If I had to sacrifice the years of life that I have left to spend time with him and the girls, I would gladly take it.
After spending time with the girls, if I only had a week of life left to be with just him, I would take it.
For my family, I would sacrifice anything.
My love for them is unquestionable and unconditional.