Letters To Myself

34

My Letter to You

It's been a wild ride.
15 years since I've known you.
You been my first to many things.
My first love.
The father of our kids.
My first (& only) husband.
My first car adventure buddy.
My bestest bestest friend.
My first heartbreak.
We had our ups and downs, but always came full circle.
I'll never forget the things that I've learned from you.
I'll always remember the good memories that we've shared.
As you know, it does break my heart that we won't have memories like that again.
Our heart beats will no longer be in sync; but we'll still feel each other's emotions.
Along our journey, our pace began to change, unfortunately.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry that you were no longer happy that you had to trek down a different path.
Although it made me feel broken, I'll watch from the wayside.
Still there for you if you needed a friend.
After all of this, my love for you has never wavered.
I'd still hand you a shard of my broken heart after its knocked from my hand.
One time I've read that when you truly love someone, a piece of their soul stays with you forever.
Often I wonder, did mine?
I want to wish you the best in your life.
As painful as it feels for me to say, I do.
I've always wanted the best for you and I'm sorry that you couldn't achieve what you wanted being with me.
I know that we're not strangers, but life doesn't feel the same without you around.
Whether you believe it or not, your presence was always comforting to me.
Now, it's just empty here.
I know that you keep telling me that I'm not alone.
I don't think you understand.
Or at least don't want to.
I could write all day, but I don't know if you would truly see what I'm trying to say.
I want you to know that those happy memories and sad memories will hold a special place.
It's a struggle.
Floating down the river with no oars.
Falling through life with no safety net.
No old couple stories to share together.
No, us.
Even writing that makes me cry.
I bear the same name of a person that I'll no longer have a union to.
You affected me in many ways.
Good, bad, and indifferent.
If I could start life over, I honestly wouldn't know what to do.
Just simply stay your friend.
Or do something differently.
I digress.
Thanks for the life lessons that I enjoyed.
And the lessons that I never wanted.
Thanks for being a good father to our kids.
I wished that Kaleb would've had the chance to experience it.

I could say it a thousand times and it'll never mean anything to you.
I could cry a thousand tears and it'll probably never affect you.
Why do I say that?
You act weird around me.
Its feels like you just around to soften the hurt which makes it worst.
You just don't care, I feel, since it was so easy to discard me.

Nonetheless....

When I said that I loved you forever, I meant it.
When I said those vows, which may be just simple words to you, I meant it.
You know me well enough to know that I mean what I say.

Okay, I'm bawling now.

I love you, old man.
In every sense of the word.

Warms hugs.
Butterfly kisses.
Boop on the forehead.
xoxo,
Erica