Letters To Myself

15

Too good to be true.

I just knew that my bliss was going to be short-lived

I was delusional to think otherwise.

I was delusional to think things were really going well.

I was delusional to think that you gave a shit.

That he gave a shit.

That anyone gave an actual shit.

Maybe he's right:
"I'll never love you ever again!"
Hearing that and remembering that day will always cut me deep. No amount of apologies can erase that feeling.

I'm a mistake he made.
What did I do to be so unloved?

Stupidly, I tried to convince myself that things will finally come together.

Things will be better.

I was wrong.

I feel so stupid.

Delusional. 

I feel like the kids who's so excited for Christmas only to be told that Santa isn't real.

I'm trying to give myself a chance.

I really am.

But, nothing is going as planned.

I'm feeling those old pains again.

My heart beating slow again.

My back up against the wall. 

Tears flowing like a leaking faucet.

I'm wanting time to stop.

Just for once, listen to me.

But.

No.

I love with all of my fucking being.

My whole existence.

I love so deeply that nobody are willing to do the same.

Nobody's willing to fight for me, but y'all fight for EVERYONE ELSE.

I wasted my life.

I wasted my time for people who don't fucking care!

I had all of y'all backs yet y'all stabbed me in mine.

I wouldn't dare do the shit y'all did, not even as revenge.

I have humiliated.

I have been shamed.

I have been blamed.

I have been lied on.

I have been hurt.

Yet, I am still there when y'all need me.

Yet, I still show y'all undeserving asses love.

Yet, I still supported your ideas, thoughts, and dreams while you doubted mine.

I was there when your friends,  family, and foes turned their backs on you.

I still put you first.

And you do this to me.

Do you know how many nights I screamed for God to just take me out of my misery?

Why am I always the one who have be sacrificed for the sake of others?

Why am I the examples that they have to learn from?

Why are you punishing me?!

I'm not perfect person, but I did right by those I carried in my heart.

After everything, I still fucking care.

I still fucking love.