Letters To Myself

3

I had a lot on my mind today.

The girls knows just what to do to help me escape my thoughts. I love them for that. I appreciate them for that. The simple gesture of "I love you, Mom;" "you're the best mom ever;" a hug; and the small simple things just bring a smile to my face.

I often ask myself, "Why do you want to leave them behind if they make you happy?" The answer never change. I'm afraid of tarnishing it. I'm afraid of ruining it. I'm afraid of messing them up.

When I say that, nobody understands.

They tell me that I'm not going to do those things.

How do they know?

How are you certain?

I didn't think that I would have them in a broken home, but they are.

I didn't think that they would have a broken mother, but they do.

So, don't tell me that my fears aren't realistic.

I try hard to create special memories with them, so that they wouldn't see my brokeness.

They would only remember the good stuff and my sad days would be so few.

I'll admit that I'm quick to create a scenario and my brain would run with it. True or not. However, 7 out of 10 times, I'm usually correct when it comes to that.

I've been thinking a lot about the divorce finalization. It makes me sad every time I think about it. It's been months, so they wanted to know if it was still happening.

Yes. It hurt for me to write those simple 3 letters. Why? I don't want it. I know that I hurt myself every time I have these emotions. But, I think about that night. That emotional night. He said that he wasn't good enough for anyone, yet he's in a "relationship." Or it's just me?

I don't understand.

I was told many times that it wasn't for me to understand. That makes no sense to me.

I've experienced highs and lows today. One minute, I'm good. The next, I want to ball up and die.

I saw a short clip on Instagram and the message was about "God's timing." His message was basically that God doesn't do things when you want him to do it. And that God tend to bless those during bad times.

I had a lot of bad times in my life and feeling blessed during those times? Never. He also mentioned that Solomon used wind as a metaphor a lot in the Bible.

Watching the wind.

Although it's invisible, I feel like I'm watching the wind as I'm waiting for this timing.