A year later...I'm still here.
I learned a lot about myself.
Some things are still like rollercoaster rides.
But, I'm better.
I learned new things that I like.
I'm learning about who I am as a person.
Yet, some days, I want to sit in the darkest corner and cry.
Cry because I still don't understand when I think about it.
I went back to writing.
Trying to release my thoughts, but it just makes me think about it more.
I don't get angry anymore.
Just sad.
I'm getting fresh air more.
I'm smiling and laughing more.
But some days the heart still hurts.
My mind go off and begin assuming and comparing.
Which does nothing but wrecks me apart.
Thankfully, it doesn't happen as frequently.
I just face a newer obstacle.
An obstacle where I no longer have my friend.
A friend that still sees me negatively whereas I've grown to see him differently.
My words means nothing.
Unbelievable.
Whereas his is supposed to ring true and be believable.
He doesn't want to talk anymore because I guess I stir something up in him.
To me, it was another stab.
The ways that he is reacting, I feel that I should've reacted, but I'm not.
Is that not growth?
I question the universe and God a lot.
Why make me suffer and he gets to live life freely?
What have I done to receive this punishment?
I wasn't perfect, but I was loyal; honored my fidelity; had his back; loved him and all of his flaws; didn't judge his lack of thereof; defended him; and what do I get?
Nothing.
I get seen as the one who created the problems.
So, why can't I let go and he's free?
Why aren't you punishing him, too?
I think like that on my down days.
On my happy days, negative thoughts are like a burned out cigarette.
I ask myself, what is it that I fear?
Who would love this damaged good?
What if I'm not enough?
My heart and mind won't allow me to let go.
He was it for me.
I know that I still have my work cut out for me.
But, I'm proud of my baby step of a growth.
It still counts.
Hopefully, one day I will have peace and this black cloud can disperse; letting the sunlight shine through.
YOU ARE READING
Letters To Myself
De TodoIn this book, I share my letters that I wrote in a notebook. Each letter expresses my raw emotion and it isn't in chronological order. It's an ineffective way to get my thoughts out, although it never left. I wanted to share my emotional rollercoas...
