Temptation

45 - Hero

DJ sits with me in the trailer, no words spoken between us in minutes and the image of Madden backing away from me keeps replaying in my mind. It's fucking pissing me off that Allen fucking touched her but I'm even more mad that I brought her into this mess. If I just minded my own damn business, paid attention where I was going in Costco, I wouldn't have caused her all this bullshit.

My palms are sweaty [like Eminem] from clenching my fists, my heart is bursting from my chest and my head hurts from all the thoughts flooding my mind. DJ finally breaks the silence, "You should go see her." Did he not see her back away from me? "She doesn't want to fucking see me," I'm angry and I'm taking it out on him. DJ is good not to snap back, instead he calmly tells me what I know I need to do but am too stubborn. "She may not think she wants to, but she needs it and you need to be there for her." And I break; tears fall down my face and I've never broken down in front of anyone only Madden has seen my emotions; emotions I've hidden for years. The wall I've built has been broken and the pain is breaking through. "This is all my fucking fault! I ran into her, I wanted to see her, I brought her to LA, I exposed her to Noah and Allen and all this bad—" DJ cuts me off before I continue, "Hero you're an ass. You blame yourself but can't you see that for once this isn't on you—other than when you ran into her which was the best thing you did for yourself." I say nothing but the crying stops, thank fuck. "This woman loves you; she risked her fucking life for you. All she has is you Hero. She needs you, and we all know you need her. You need to see this and stop blaming yourself for the bad because it will ruin you and I promise you it will ruin your relationship." DJ makes a good point, but my need to self-destruct is trying to curve the common sense out of my mind.

I reach my hand out to Madden, trying to bring her closer to me but she steps back from me, shaking her head from side to side. It feels as if I've been punched in the stomach as she walks away with Josephine and Mara. I'm stuck in my own thoughts, disrupted by a knock on the door. I don't move, DJ opens the door and Madden walks in, my thoughts are erased. DJ leaves, closing the door behind him and Madden and I meet in the middle. She wraps her arms around my neck, holding me tightly and I reciprocate the action. Tears are falling from her eyes hitting my shoulders and I do everything I can to hold in my own. "I'm so sorry," I whisper in her ear. She removes her arms from my neck, and I wipe the tears trailing down her eyes. "It's not your fault Hero." Her words are like a brand-aid covering a wound; healing it.

* * *

I leave Madden in the theatre room to pick a movie; hoping it's not one I'm in and go to the kitchen to make her a tea. I think to myself that she must be hungry because she hasn't eaten all day; actually, come to think of it she hasn't eaten in a week, since the Allen scandal. Fuck, I missed the clear signs.

I hand her the tea and she sips slowly as it is still boiling hot. "I picked Fast and Furious 5," she points to the screen. Before she presses play, I take her hand ready to confront her. Her cheeks are blushed with colour, her eyes wearing heaviness; she looks as if she's starved herself. By the sight of her I don't know how I missed it; she looks unenergized. "Baby, you haven't been eating." She turns her face from me, embarrassed and fearing my next words. "We need to get you some help. I think the situation last week was really traumatic." She doesn't say anything, doesn't even look at me so I continue. "I want a life with you Madden," these words make her face me with a small grin, "and I want forever but we cannot have forever if you don't fuel your body. You need to know I cannot live without you." She bites the inside of her cheeks before she speaks, "I cannot live without you either. I'll talk to someone. I'm sorry-I just—" I stop her before she says anything more, she has nothing to be sorry for. I am relieved it was easy to convince her to talk with someone. I plant a kiss on her lips and hold my girl close to me. That was easier than I thought it would be.

* * *

All afternoon, I search for the top-rated therapist to bring over to our home to chat with Madden. Madden insists that we wait a bit before going to that measure because although she agreed, she believes she can fix herself. I am not about to let her put her life in her own hands, have her distance herself from me and then one day lose her. Not happening. All the people I love have left me one way or another and I am doing everything in my power to make sure this doesn't happen to me again. My heart takes over knowing the right thing to do is to find someone to help Madden. I come across the name Dr. White and she has a PhD and specializes in mental health. I call her right away and manage to get her to come by the house early tomorrow; promising her an extra bonus for the house call which is probably unethical but who the fuck cares. I will not be home; however, I've asked Mara to be here the days I am not.

Mara has been good to be a support for Madden, not a mother figure like she is for me in some ways but more like an older sister. The two women seem to get along well and Mara enjoys telling Madden embarrassing stories of me when I was younger or even when I was more of a trouble-maker—more than I am now. Madden laughs through all the stories Mara tells her about me and finds joy in my childhood or in my bad decisions. I bet if she were around during the bad choices I made, she probably wouldn't be here with me now but that is the old me.

* * *

Filming continues as usual, except Allen is not the director for the final week, instead his co-director Tommy Locke has taken over. I like Tommy much better, he listens to the actors and actresses' opinions on scenes and we get through them much faster. I haven't brought Madden on set since the incidence and because Mara is with her, I don't worry that she is bored every day. She feels as if I'm treating her like a child but it was good that I was because obviously someone needed to pay attention to her habits.

* * *

THE NEXT DAY

I've left for filming very early this morning, leaving Mara at the house with Madden and Adam guarding the door.

Every time I get to hair and makeup, Josephine questions me about Madden, asking me how she is doing. Usually I tell her she is fine and it's not normally a lie, today when I tell her, I am lying. If I told Josephine the truth about Madden's mental illness, she would annoyingly harass me about it, she'd also want to comfort her, and I just don't have the patience for it.

Moving on with our day, we fly through the scenes and we finish everything by 7PM. The scenes are much easier to get through when we don't have Allen yelling at us throughout the scene about what we are doing wrong; not that he ever yelled at me, I'm a fucking great actor. With Tommy, it's chill and he is the fucking best. Being that we finished so early today, Tommy offers to take us all out for dinner and of course everyone agrees so I have no choice but to. I'd rather go home and lay in bed with Madden, maybe have some privacy in our hot tub but I can't pass up a meal with the entire cast.

I go back to my trailer to change into my comfy clothes, probably going to be completely under dressed in sweatpants and a t-shirt but I've never given a fuck. I text Madden to let her know I'll be out for dinner and to ask her about the session she had with Dr. White today. Madden is quick to respond:

I really like her. Thank you, Hero. I needed this.