Temptation

81 - Hero

I once watched in a show, that if someone was overdosing you were to put them in a cold shower. As a kid, watching One Tree Hill, I never thought I'd turn out like Rachel or like my mum, but I did. A psychologist by the name of Albert Bandura coined the Social Learning theory which basically describes why I turned out the way that I did. My mum was a drug addict and because I grew up in that environment with her, once I became famous and had the funds for drugs; that is what I turned into. I was tragedy; I was my mum's son. Mara found me many of times, smashed out of my own mind, unconscious in my own bed because I was battling my demons. The cocaine, the LSD, the meth—all of it helped silence the crap I was dealing with internally. The applauses and the fans did not settle all the negative in my head, instead all the attention worsened my insecurities, causing the pain to grow more intense.

Mara came in to check on me one night and she found me where she always found me, in my bed. I just got off a bender; I spent the entire day in a bar with a couple of lads and we went to a party that night where I was injecting heroine into my veins. The marks on my arm showed this to Mara as a sign that this was a long bender. Foam came from my mouth and I was seizing. The drugs and the alcohol were too much for my system this time that I was overdosing. Mara called 9-1-1, and they told her to throw me into a cold shower until the ambulance arrived. Mara dragged me off my bed, strength came to her with the adrenaline and fear, and she managed to get me into the cold running shower. Mara, sat with me, smacking my cheeks hoping to wake me. I regained consciousness but barely. All I remember is seeing Mara's wet clothing and her eyes bloodshot red. The ambulance came and after that, I went to rehab.

At home, I put fully clothed Madden into a cold shower, and we sit on the floor. The water is freezing cold, but she needs this to wake up from the daze. Madden isn't overdosing but she is completely out of it and after my experience with a cold shower, I knew that this could wake her. After minutes of freezing water touching her body, her eyes open and she looks to me, "Hero?" She questions me being here. I turn the nob of the shower to warm up the water, both of us still sitting on the floor of the shower. I take the opportunity to explain to her what happened, and she tells me she remembers the man but not his face right now. I don't pressure her for more, instead I help her undress the wet clothing off her and undress myself. We turn the shower heat up all the way, almost burning our skin but it's warmth that we need. Madden uses my body to balance herself as she stands in the shower. I help wash her hair and body then do the same for myself.

In rehab, I hated everyone there. Complaining about the lives they were given or the jobs that they lost, causing them to turn to alcoholism or drug addicts. I specifically remember this one woman and she was absolutely mad. She would come into group, always talking about the children she didn't have. Her brain cells were completely destroyed from all the drugs that she believed that she had five children and was pregnant. None of what she thought was true. She was actually the most entertaining person in rehab. Some of these people actually had real problems, like this woman really had problems and I didn't want to be that person to tell a group that my own mum forced me into film making at a young age, I never graduated school and I took after her bad habits. I didn't want to sit and complain about my life because it's my life and I had every right to change the way I acted but I didn't. Instead I followed my mum's ways and blamed it on her the entire time. My anger with my mum was killing me.

I don't want Madden to feel this anger with me.

I help Madden get into a t-shirt and granny panties then tuck her into bed. Once she falls asleep, I leave to go to explain to DJ what happened. DJ then calls a meeting with Luke, Markus and Adam to try to figure out who this man is. "There was a man she knew from school the other day. He ran into us when we went for a walk. I thought he was an sketchy lad—" DJ gets the man's name from Adam and they search him online, finding an image of him. The plan is to show Madden his picture to find out if this is the man who attacked her. Knowing that these people are here for her makes me more comfortable with my decision.

* * *

I pack my things, everything I own and leave my keys on the coffee table in the living room. Madden stays asleep upstairs and DJ now sleeps in the guest room. Adam and Luke have gone to their own homes, leaving me the only person awake in this house. I grab a notebook from the drawer in the kitchen and start writing. I rip my heart out onto these pages, real tears falling from my eyes onto the paper. I remove the pages I've written and grab Wuthering Heights from the shelf in the living room, folding the pages and slipping them into the novel. I bring myself and the novel to the bedroom, opening the door quietly as to not wake Madden. I place the book on my pillow and kiss Madden's forehead. Tears fall from my eyes again. "I love you and I'm so sorry."

With my bags at 3AM, I go out to the limo I've called to pick me up. The driver throws all my bags into its trunk and we drive away from my home.

Madden had her own problems when she met me, but she was safe. In the time we've been together, I've only caused her more pain. Fires, stalkers, shooting and almost a rape because of the world I live in. Madden doesn't need any more pain; she's suffered enough pain for a lifetime. I leave her with my home, and money. Madden is blinded by the smallest joy that I bring to her life; forcing her to forget all the bad things that I have brought to her. I'm gone and I believe that she will be better off without me.

I take the small bag of cocaine that I've hidden in small vase I have on the kitchen counter for years and snort the entire bag in the limo. She can't love a disaster of a man; she could have never loved the old me so it's easier this way. All these years sober, gone to shit.

A life without Madden is no life at all.