Temptation

82 - Madden

I'm woken by a pounding headache. I recall some of the events that took place last night, but vividly remember being fully clothed in the shower with Hero. Hero came home. I reach over to touch Hero, but that all too mundane feeling of him being gone appears again. I roll over to see that there is a novel in place where Hero's head should be. I know that he was here last night. I sit up slowly and lift the novel. As I open his favourite novel, folded up pages fall from it. I put the book down and unfold these pages. I see that it's Hero's handwriting rests on the pages.

Dear Madden,

I'm sorry to do this to you and I'm really sorry to do this to me. I brought you into a world that you didn't want to be a part of but you and embraced it, to be with me. Relationships involve sacrifices but you were the only one who's been sacrificing anything. You gave up your home, you gave up your life/safety and you gave up your privacy just to be with me. I can't thank you enough for the time we have spent together.

You won't see it now or anytime soon, but I hope you see it eventually, that this needs to happen for YOU. My sacrifice in life is giving you up so that you can live your life the way that you should live it. Go to college, meet a nice boy, get a career, buy a home together, get married and have beautiful children.

You may think that this is for me and you are going to think that you don't deserve me or you're going to think that I don't love you, but I promise you that none of that the truth. I fucking love you; I love you forever and the temptation to stay, has literally been tearing me apart because I know that being with me is no good for you. I've been too scared to let you go.

I'm so sorry. The house is yours, I left you a card and all of whatever is on there is yours and I will constantly put more money on it for you. After you read this, you won't hear from me again and you won't see me again. Please don't come looking for me.

I'm sorry and I will be sorry for the rest of my life, but you need to forget me because I'm going do everything to forget you. I don't deserve you. You're going to be okay. Tell DJ and Mara not to go looking for me. I'm hiding and I'm not coming back.

You probably want an explanation and all I can give you is the fact that I've only brought bad into your life and you don't see it. Something really bad happened to you last night and it's on me. I feel guilt and will always feel it in my heart. I can't cause you any more pain. I promise that I love you and I will always love you; please don't think that this is anything less than love, it has nothing to do with how much I love you because no love or no pleasure will ever compare to what I felt with you. Be happy my love.

- Hero.

As I read his words, tears fall from my eyes and my heart aches. On the paper, I can see drops of Hero's own tears. I look to my left hand, at the ring Hero placed there. Hero is sinking in his own guilt; feeling all the pain that he thinks he has brought onto me. And he may be right; I may be blinded by the happiness he brought me which causes me to forget the bad but in comparison, the bad has no meaning to me. I love Hero and he cannot do this to me. I won't let him.

I take my phone and start calling Hero; I call and call with no answer and with each call, I leave him a message. I get myself dressed, quickly in leggings and a t-shirt, throwing on a pair of black running shoes then run down to the front door. DJ stands there, with a small paper in his hand. He looks up to me, "We're going to find him," I assure him. DJ and I get into the car, and drive to the airport. With luck, Hero will still be there, waiting for a flight to somewhere. On the way, DJ calls Mara to let her know what is happening. I think that internally, she is preparing herself to see Hero at his worst again.

DJ and I buy tickets to LA, hoping to find Hero at any terminal. We have no bags to check, so we easily walk through customs and make our way through each terminal. Not a single one has Hero waiting, so when the flight for LA starts boarding, we get on. I text Hero one last time before the pilot tells us to turn off our phones.

Please don't do this. I'm marrying you.

The flight is not long; we rush off the plane, go through customs and Mara picks us up at the airport. In the car, on the way to the home, Tom is calling me. I send the call to voicemail and remind myself to text him later. Mara drives as fast as she can on the busy streets of LA and within 30 minutes we are back at the old house. DJ goes into the home to see if Hero is there while Mara and I wait outside. DJ waves us in after five minutes; each room is empty.

I walk into the house, analyzing each room fiercely. Neither of them have lived with Hero, so they don't know the trails he tends to leave. On the kitchen counter, there is white powder and I know that means he's been here. I rub the powder onto my fingers and show Mara, "Where would he go on a bender?" I ask. Mara doesn't even want to think of him going through that again. DJ waves the car keys in the air, handing them to me. "Go to 361 Bridges Street," he pauses, shaking his head. "That's where he will be. We'll wait here, just in case." I run out to the car, punch in the address given to me and start driving.

As I drive, flashbacks of our time together flood my mind. Hero acts like he is not romantic at all, but he set up a beautiful evening for us one night in LA. We were just moved in together and he had gotten rose petals spread out along the lawn in the backyard; he had gotten an outdoor theatre with some outdoor couches set up for us to watch Harry Potter all night long. I drive by at least three bars on the way to this location and I think that Hero must have stopped at all of them. On set in Vancouver, Hero had sent me a video of himself doing backflips just to annoy his co-workers. His makeup artist was so annoyed with him that she nearly smacked him. I sat on the couch in his rented apartment and laughed over and over watching the video. When I arrive to the location, I'm surprised to see that it's an actual house. I park the car on the street and walk up to the front door. I take a deep breath but before I can knock, the door is opened by a strange girl. She is obviously intoxicated because she doesn't even ask who I am and escorts me into the house, handing me a red solo cup.

I walk into the home, crowded with people either drinking, smoking or both. In the middle of the living room, there's Hero, smoking a joke and has a bottle of vodka in the other hand. I wait for Hero to notice me to avoid creating a scene. If I can just get him out of here, then it will be okay. I sit on the floor across from where Hero is, and the woman who escorted me in, walks over to Hero and takes a seat on his lap. I raise my hand, to show Hero the ring I'm wearing and at that moment, he recognizes me. "Go away." He says. His words sting but not enough to get me to leave. He takes a swig of the vodka and I do the same of whatever the girl hanging off my man had given to me when I walked in. Hero takes another swig, trying to intrigue me into playing a stupid game with him. The woman sees Hero and I, eyeing each other and she doesn't like it. She maneuvers her way onto Hero's lips and now I'm fucking pissed. I stand up and pull the woman off him. She starts freaking out at me. "Get the fuck away from him," I roar back at her. She starts yelling some crap at me and I ignore her, turning my attention to Hero. "I told you before; nothing will ever make me leave you. Come home with me or I will keep showing up here." It sounds threatening but it's the truth.

Hero stands up, facing me and takes me by the arm. He drags me outside of the house and closes the front door behind him. "Madden, go home. Don't come back." He says to me; I can smell the booze and weed off his breath. "I know you think you hurt me, but you didn't. Hero, you saved me!" It takes all of my strength not to cry. He squeezes my arm in his hand, "Leave Madden." "Why can't you see that you saved me? Hero, remember Noah? Remember Josephine? Just remember all the bullshit we went through together. It wasn't your fault. I choose this life with you and I don't want it to end." He looks at me, his eyes black and straight faced, "Leave." I shake my head, "Tell me you don't love me, and I will leave then."