Silent Howl (AOT Fanfiction) DISCONTINUED CAUSE I SUCK

Chapter 20 | Words (3)

I usually found comfort in going through the motions of doing something. This time, however, was one thing that I hated. It was so similar to the first time that it almost didn't seem real.

"Here are their files, you can meet them later today. Don't let me down Captain."

And I hated it.

I didn't even look at the files when I got back to my office, going straight through the door into my room. My hands were reaching for the gear but my body needed a more desperate release than that, so I turned to the window and threw myself out.

For a moment it was blissful, just the cold ripping wind, but the the ground loomed beneath me and I released a deep breath. A wild yowl called me into to forest and beyond, so I replied with a shrieking cry and rode the wind away from the compound on the wings of an eagle.

I wasn't over losing my team and would likely never be. Flashes of the expedition still bore through my head not letting me sleep and sometimes reducing me to a shaking mess. Behind closed doors of course.

It was difficult because though I knew I ought to tell somebody about what was going on with me, actually saying the words out loud seemed impossible. It felt stupid but I hated the thought of others seeing me so weak because then they may think that they couldn't rely upon me, one of the only things that gave me a true solid purpose.

But that was why I wore these skins, these animals that heeded my calls, because their worries were so much more carefree and trivial than those of humans.

Oh and another thing they didn't have to worry about was love, and I was immensely jealous. When we were in the underground things seemed so easy, that I would only ever love one person and nothing would change, but obviously not.

Now I was so unsure about everything, especially as my friends had started to point out that another clearly liked me, and I had noticed too. Now it was so blunderingly obvious I couldn't exactly play it off as ignorance.

I couldn't get Jack out of my head, and not in a good way either. I knew his affections were now pointedly being directed at me but I couldn't bring myself to return them. In fact I had already avoided him twice today, and both times I could tell he wanted to say something important. Well, not something, the thing.

I knew for certain that I didn't feel the same way, and I knew his emotions went up and down so easily, occasionally touching on a few delicate subjects that resulted in some harshly spoken words. He didn't really mean them horribly but I was still a little afraid of what he'd do.

I wasn't nervous of him as such, I just didn't want to hurt him, after all, the clown had been my friend from day one of the scouts and truthfully I didn't want anything to change from the way it had been- when we were friends. Yet now if he did say what I'd been dreading, I'd have to face the fact that things would never be the same again. That I'd lost yet another person.

In fact I'm sure that train of thought would've continued if I wasn't suddenly thrown further upwards into the air. My stomach dropped yet my heart raced as I looked down and took in the view. A ravine yawned wide open beneath me full to the brim with greenery, vines and ferns cascading over rocks and the cliff sides.

I had never seen this place before in all my flights away from the base, so perhaps I had come in a different direction? I shot a look back from where I'd come and had to laugh a little as I saw the giant wall well behind me. Already I must've wandered into Wall Maria's land, and a fairly uninhabited area as for miles around I could see no signs of houses or farmland. In fact mountains rose beyond the hills, and though I'd been through the ones in Wall Rose whilst doing business in a small village named Dauper if I remembered rightly, these were certainly new. And it made my blood fizz with excitement.