close your eyes and feel me

1

Charlotte opened her eyes as the sun set into her room, creeping through the thin opening of the dark curtains. Maybe a window was open, because she could hear nature waking up as well, the wind shaking up the leaves of the trees and the sounds of twittering birds.
Urgh, she thought to herself, mornings like these don't exist in Sanditon.
Laying in the bed next to hers, her sister Alison was sleeping peacefully. Charlotte stayed in hers, silently, as the harsh reality, her harsh reality, crawled back into her mind.

She wished she could've simply gotten a hold of herself, repeating over and over again « He's gone! YOU'RE gone! Move on! ! ! », but it was easier said than done.

Summoning all the strength she had, even though she'd just woken up, she got up, put on a dress and went downstairs, all while making sure not to wake her sister. In the kitchen, she was welcomed by an unusable silence, but Charlotte knew it was only a matter of time before her parents and siblings would wake up. Soon enough, they all would be sitting at the table, babbling about the day. They all would be so innocent and happy, completely unaware of the pain inside of Charlotte's chest. They wouldn't hear her broken heart, not over the sound of their forks and knives on their plates, not over their own laughter and happiness.

Charlotte never felt more out of place. Her heart was heavy, her whole being weighing on her shoulders, and she wondered if she had the strength to pu on a smile, like she did the night before when she arrived. Will I be able to do it tomorrow? , she thought, and the day after?

Unable to resist, before anybody could see her, she quickly went outside and ran in the field behind her house. Growing up, she'd run all across the family's land as a game, for the fun of it, the feeling of adventure it would give her. Today, she was simply hoping the panic setting in would magically go away, but the more she walked, the more far she was from her house, the more she was realizing this was no feeling you could run away from. Because, sadly, it wasn't the house, and the heaviness of her heart wouldn't simply go away. Out of breath from her walk, but mostly from the feeling of dizziness she was experiencing, Charlotte's eyes were full of tears, and before she knew it, she was letting herself fall on to the ground.

On the ground, Charlotte let go of the tears she had been trying to hold back. She let them roll all over her face as she started to sob uncontrollably, a hand on her chest while the other one was grabbing the grass desperately. 

In the grass, Charlotte finally let go of the tears she had been trying to hold back. She simply let them roll all over her face, a few tears in the hollow of her ears, some she could taste the saltiness of it on her lips while the rest was probably absorbed by the ground underneath. Sobbing uncontrollably, a hand on her chest while the other one was grabbing the grass, desperately, she was feeling a whole lot of emotions altogether. How she was both numbed and submerged by feelings, she couldn't tell. She had only read about most of these feelings, but then again, she knew nothing before Sanditon.

The green colour of jealousy

The red one of anger

The blues of her sadness

How dared the universe, bringing them together this way, only to take them apart so drastically? Why was it supposed to be okay for him to marry a woman he no longer loved? And why on Earth was it fair for Charlotte to be experiencing this excruciating kind of pain. She knew her love for this man was real, she did not needed the heartbreak of it as a reminder.
Charlotte was pissed at herself, for letting compassion and understanding sneaking its way into her heart. She wanted to only feel anger and pain, to hate Sidney and to be jealous of her, but no, even in pieces, her heart still had the strength to think of others.