Hum aur Tum

Part 19: Raman

Author's note: "Hello everyone. I know the world is going through a hard phase right now. Being from the small island of Mauritius, we are not spared from the Corona virus either. There are 12 people infected here. We are in a state of lockdown like many other countries. Everyone is inside their homes and safe with their families. I urge everyone to do so as well, avoid unnecessary travels, keep washing your hands, keep yourselves hydrated, avoid crowds. It is indeed a stressful time, but use this time to spend with your family, understand them, discover yourself, follow your passion, be creative, plant, read, learn something new. For now, please take care. Enjoy reading and don't hesitate to send me comments about this part as well as how the state is in your countries. Take care. Hope everyone is safe and healthy."
-Vibha

I sit down next to her and I try hard to suppress my feelings, I do not even know how I am being able to keep a straight face, sitting next to her. My heart is racing, Ishita is going to open up about herself, I do not know why, but it is something that I silently always hoped for, to know her better, intimately.

"Raman, I was 21 years old. Both of us had been to the same school, to the same college. Even when I was pursuing dentistry, I always scheduled my hours so that our classes could end together. You know, it is only when I separated from him that I realized that it was never love, it was a compromise, that I termed as love.
I realized that it was only me who was making all the efforts. I thought we were meeting because we wanted to, but rather we were, because I was always planning to. I was always there for him, to look after him when he was sick, to pay his fees, to cook for him or to buy him food when he had no money. But, he never cared.

I brought the topic of engagement and marriage several times before him. He never took much interest and always rebuked the topic. When both of us graduated, I thought now could be the time that we get engaged, we could focus on our careers as a couple and then decide to get married at a later time. Our families were involved, our friends and acquaintances thought we were the perfect couple.

He never actually proposed. He never bothered to. He was absent when I bought our rings and made all the preparations. Some days before the engagement I abruptly went to his place to meet him. I found him packing his bags:

"Akshat, where are you going?"

"Mumbai. I have a flight in 2 days."

"But we're getting engaged in 3 days. You want me to prepone the engagement?"

"Why the hell do you need to prepone it? I don't have time to get engaged. I have a new job in Mumbai and I don't think I will be coming back again."

"Congratulations on the job Akshat, but I already made all the preparations for the engagement. Our parents are involved, the relatives. Maybe I could come with you too then..."

"To hell with our parents, our relatives! Get out now, I am very busy. I have a lot of paperwork to do."

"Akshat. Do you realize what you are saying? We spend all of our time together. I thought we were meant to have a life together. How can you turn back on now!"

"Oh really, did you even ask me if I even loved you? I never did. I was with you just for fun. A pastime. Get out of here now. I told you I am busy."

"Akshat. You cannot do this to me, to us. Think about me. I will break."

"That is your problem."

"He grabbed my hair with his one hand, and with the other, he clenched my jaws, and then he slapped me. Thrice. He kept staring at me with bloodshot eyes and later threw me on the floor. I still have a bruise on my chest when I hit the bed. It was not the first time that he had slapped me.
I returned home that day. I said nothing to anyone. I stayed in my room, alone in the dark. I was not in a state to talk to anyone or to even shed tears.

The next day, I received a call. It was him. He said he was sorry, that he shouldn't have done that. He told me to come to his place, so that he could rethink his decision. I was so stupid Raman. I always fell for his words. That day I told Amma and Appa that I am going to convince him for the engagement.

When I reached there, he locked the door and took my face in his hands to examine how he has hurt me:

"I am so sorry Ishita. You don't try to understand me. I get so stressed out sometimes. It is not that I do not like you, but..."

"But what Akshat? You know I love you. I'll do my best to understand. Tell me."

"I cannot love you, because you do not let me love you... You do not let me touch you... You do not let me make love to you. It makes me feel like you don't trust or love me enough."

"His words pierced my soul. My blood froze. Raman. I knew what he meant. I knew what he wanted to do. I knew the consequences would not be right, but my thoughts were clouded."

I watch the tears stream down Ishita's face. I want to tell her to stop, but I want her to talk about it as well, to open up, so that she is relieved. I harden my heart, I grab the bars in front of me and listen to her.

"I sat on the bed. He started running his hands on my body, with an evil grin on his face that I still remember vividly. He was like an animal. When I sleep at night, I still feel his fingers lingering on my bare skin, I feel how his nails have scratched my skin, pierced my chest and how his hands have strangled my neck. I laid like a corpse on the bed as he emptied me Raman, as he killed me."

I close my eyes and tighten my grasp on the bars. I fear if I open my eyes, she'll have to see me cry.

"At that moment, all I was thinking was how do I stop him from leaving, how do I stop him from breaking the engagement, how do I stop him from causing embarrassment to our parents. And that was the only way that I could think of, to yield to him. I thought he might stay. I thought he would understand what he snatched from me. But he used me, again, and I let him use me.

The next day, he was gone. Gone forever. Without informing anyone.
Amma talked to me, reassuring me that whatever happened was for the best. I never deserved him. He was a bastard. He was never a good person. She said that the worst has been avoided. But, what she did not know was that I had already done the worst."

One week later, I found out that I was pregnant. I feared I could never face my parents or live there anymore. That is how I left from there. For Ruhi, I changed myself, to this new Ishita, the one that I am proud of now. The one that has not yielded to anyone, the one I am today."

She breaks down. I take her in my arms and let her cry her heart out. It is much needed.
I want her to be in my arms like this forever, I love her so much.