Hai Kak Johnny,
Haha I can't believe I'm really doing this right now. It's quite embarrassing, but I am one of the most shameless person to ever exist, so I'll just get it over with.
Aku nggak tahu harus mulai dari mana. Percayalah, ini bukan surat pertama yang kucoba kutulis buatmu. Dan dari sekian percobaan, aku masih nggak ngerti harus memulai dari mana. Karena beru kali ini aku sesuka itu sama orang sampai kepikiran buat ngomong terus terang.
Oopsie, keceplosan.
Ya, pada intinya, I like you, Kak Johnny, in a romantic way. Sesuka itu sampai kubela-belain nulis ini saking aku gak tahu harus gimana menyikapinya.
Do you find it absurd, tiba-tiba ada cewek yang confessing her own feeling ke kamu? Honestly, I don't know. Aku nggak pernah berbakat untuk membaca pikiran orang. Aku bahkan nggak bisa menebak bagaimana reaksi kamu nerima dan baca surat ini.
But believe me when I say, my hands tremble a lot writing this letter. My stomach churns. I might throw up real soon. But 2019 almost ended, and I don't want to waste another time and another chance to feel this powerful to tell you the truth. Kalau bukan sekarang, aku nggak tahu kapan lagi aku punya nyali untuk mengirim surat ke kamu.
Anyway, kamu mau tahu nggak kenapa aku memilih hari ini untuk mengirim surat? Pasti udah tahu sih. As cheesy as it may sounds. I really wish to start my new year with something new. Memulai lembaran baru dengan perasaan yang lebih lapang. Memulai tahun dan usia baru dengan hati yang terbuka.
2019 adalah tahun yang nano-nano. I would say, 2019 is a bitch, but it will makes me sound so childish. But for real tho. Aku memulai 2019 dengan gagal CPNS 2018, and not long after that, my family lost our house, got rejected at several corporations, spending half a year working in a stressful environment at Samsung, and lost my father at the end of the year as a cherry on top. Wonderful, isn't it?
2019 adalah tahun yang luar biasa terjal. And I should focus on my self and stop thinking about unimportant things. But here I am, falling for someone like you, tanpa direncanakan. And this feeling bothers me so much. It literally fills my mind and I can't think of anything else.
Ganggu banget, karena perasaan ini membuat aku berkhayal terlalu banyak. Berharap terlalu besar, padahal I have no chance to be with someone like you. You are a wonderful person. You are on a whole another level. Even when a lot of people told me how weird you are. Even I have to admit that you are indeed embarrassing..........................ly cute. You are weirdly endearing. You are everything I wanted to have but I couldn't.
Salah satu temanku pernah bilang, "boleh punya mimpi setinggi langit, asal langitnya kelihatan". And it hurts me so much, because I knew that it was the truth. And the truth hurts like no other.
Damn, I just cried. I cried writing this letter.
Kak Johnny, you never knew how much I spent my times hoping and dreaming to spend my whole life with someone as wonderful as you. And regretting every single second of it because I know that it just will never happen. Not now, not later, not in a million years, and not even in another life time. Because someone as wonderful as you deserve all of the best things in this world. You deserve the universe. And I'm not part of that universe or the best things that could ever happened in your life. I am a mess. A whirlwind that destroys everything I touch. And you are too precious to be hurt.
And therefore, I will let go all of these feelings. I will bury everything I have for you. So you could live your life peacefully.
Terima kasih, Kak Johnny, karena sudah menjadi inspirasi dari tulisan-tulisanku.
Terima kasih atas semua kebaikanmu.
Terima kasih karena sudah pernah hadir di mimpi upik abu seperti aku.
Terima kasih karena sudah mengajarkan banyak hal tanpa perlu banyak bicara dan pertemuan.
Aku harap 2020mu dipenuhi dengan kebahagiaan.
Aku harap hidupmu selalu berada dalam lindungan Allah.
Aku harap semua mimpimu menjadi kenyataan.
Aku harap hidupmu dipenuhi kasih sayang dan ketentraman.
Aku harap kamu dipertemukan orang yang tepat.
Aku harap kamu mewujudkan keinginanmu untuk menikah di 2020.
Kak Johnny, aku nggak pernah berharap kamu akan membalas surat ini, apalagi membalas perasaanku. No. kamu membaca surat ini pun aku sudah berterima kasih. Sekali lagi, terima kasih.
Oh iya, mau tahu nggak kenapa judul surat ini Saudade? Mau tahu artinya Saudade? It means yearning, longing. It means a nostalgic longing to be near again to something or someone that is distant, or that has been loved and then lost, the love that remains. It describe my feeling so much so I used this for the title.
Sampailah kita ke penghujung surat, sekali lagi, terima kasih Kak Johnny.
Oh dan sebelum 2019 berakhir dan kesempatanku habis, let me tell you this one, I love you, Kak Johnny. As cheesy as it sounds, I love you so much till it hurts.
Saluti,
Lisa.
***
Yes, this is the real me. This is the reason why I don't really have time to write anymore. And yes, I did send this letter to the real "Kak Johnny".
Terima kasih Kak Johnny, sudah menjadi bagian dari 2019ku. Yes, I still love him so much. But I will get over it real soon.
Saluti,
K.
