If only (trans reader x Peter parker)

(27)

⚠️ Self harm trigger warning ⚠️

I ran over to try and help cap. Perfect time to test my new gear. I hit a button on a bracelet I'd been engineering for the past few months and held out my hand, focusing on rumlow and pulling him up into the air. My new telekinesis bracelet worked, rumlow was struggling in mid air. Cap looked up at me in shock and anger. I brought him up fairly high and then slammed him back into the ground. "You know, he knew you. Your pal, your buddy, your Bucky." Rumlow mumbled to cap. "What did you say?" Cap asked, grabbing rumlow by the collar of his suit. He mumbled something and then said. "When you gotta go, you gotta go. And you're coming with me." Rumlow started.

I took this as a signal and notices the detonator in his hand. I forced a shield around him, I struggled though. I raised him up as quick as I could before Wanda stepped in and helped. We got him up super high and then I broke focus. My barrier around him disappeared and there was a loud explosion set off, the building starting to crumble. I Looked up, seeing the damage and stepped back, putting my hand over my mouth. "Sam we need, we need fire and rescue on the south side of the building." Steve panted, running off. After the situation was under control, We headed back to the facility. I went straight to my room, collapsing into my bed and turning on my laptop, checking the news. Nothing about the explosion... yet.

A month later...

I was watching the news, I was being blamed 100 percent for what happened and it was tearing me apart because, I agreed with them. The tv turned off as I slowly turned around, seeing cap standing in my doorway. "It's my fault." I mumbled, turning back to face the wall. "It's not your fault y/n." He replied. "Untrue. Turn the tv back on, they're being very specific." I said, biting onto my lip and looking down at my wrists. "I should have checked that bomb vest long before you had to deal with it." He replied. "Rumlow said Bucky and, all of a sudden I was a 16 year old kid again, In Brooklyn." He continued, walking into my room and sitting on the edge of my bed.

I turned and looked over at him, digging my nails into my arms. "And people died. It's on me." He finished. "It's on both of us." I replied. "This Job, we try to save as many people as we can. sometimes it doesn't mean everybody. But if we can't find a way to live with that...then next time, maybe nobody gets saved." He said. I nodded slowly. Vision morphed through the wall. "Captain Rogers, you wished to know when mr Stark was arriving." He replied, Morphing back out."I've gotta go deal with this. Grab some food and eat, you haven't  eaten in days." Steve replied, getting up and leaving. I followed him downstairs and got lectured by mr Ross for a good while. He slapped down a thick binder, the cover of which read "the sokovian accords." I gripped onto my arms to feel the pain of wounds being cracked open again and flipped through it briefly, passing it on to Wanda.

She looked through the first few pages and passed it over to Rhodes. Mr Ross continued talking, but it was all just mumbled noise to me. "Talk it through." He said. "And if we come to a decision you don't like?" Nat asked. "Then you retire." Ross replied, exiting the room. I felt like I was being crammed into a small box. "Do I have to stay?" I mumbled to Steve, who was sitting beside me. He shook his head. "Go, i left the Doors unlocked, go get some air." He replied, turning back to face everyone else in his chair. I grabbed my things, squeezed at my arms and got up, heading for the door. "Where are you going?" Tony asked. "I need-" I started. "Tony leave him, he's had a rough couple weeks." Steve interrupted. I left and headed outside, barely able to hold myself up and stand by the time I got out there.

I caught myself on the railing and tried to calm my breathing a bit. I stood out there, hanging onto that rail for dear life and talking deep breaths for a good 15 minutes before the door opened behind me. I turned around and was comforted to see Wanda walking slowly towards me. "You alright?" She asked. I nodded, taking a deep and shaky breath, looking out at the Bushland in the distance. "Ross is a little much, hey?" She asked. I nodded. "I can't be yelled at. After a childhood of trauma like mine, it's near impossible not to break down." I replied, gripping onto my arms. "You keep doing that, are you alright? Is it a nervous thing?" She asked. I shook my head and pulled up my sleeve, showing her the lines strewn across it that were cracked and bleeding. "What happened?" She asked, holding my arm and inspecting it.

"I got left alone with the news and a razor." I admitted. She looked at them and put my arm back by my side, pulling up her hoodie sleeve and exposing scars. "I used to do that too. To try and feel human again while Strucker was experimenting on us. Everyone has their reasoning, but as a recovering survivor, I have to tell you that is does get better." Wanda smiled, fixing her sleeve and pulling me into a hug.