The Bucket List (Write Affair Finalist)

Chapter 19: I think I'm having a nervous breakdown

~ Chapter 19: I think I'm having a nervous breakdown. ~

        Jenny had come back in my room to check on me but I didn’t want to talk to anyone so I had put my head under my blanket after telling her to go away. I know that it was mean and that Jenny only wanted to help me and be there for me but I just didn’t want to see anyone or have to talk about it. I knew she understood anyway.

I spent hours crying, or hitting my pillow or both in the same time. The next day, I didn’t move from there, even though my pajamas were starting to smell really bad and that I could have used a shower. Jenny was still passing by my room, either to bring me food cause she was worried I was going to starve myself, either just to see if this time I still didn’t need her. And I didn’t.

I wrote pages and pages in my book but erased them all after. I listened to music, but every freaking song was making me think about Damon. Even the ones that seriously had nothing to do with him. I was so angry, and sad in the same time. I was just realizing now what Damon had tried to tell me. And I’m ashamed to admit it, but I was thinking of what it could have been if I had just told Damon that we didn’t need to be friends again.

Damon came to check on me too but Jenny sent him away for me. When it was the second time she did, I think Damon understood I needed some time alone. I would have loved for him to take me in his arms, fondling my hair telling me everything was going to be ok. But nothing was going to be ok because he was dying. And no one could change anything about it.

I never told that to anyone but I actually whispered in my room “If genies or God or whatever else exist, please do something.” I now, it’s pathetic, but everyone turns to something that isn’t normal when they’re desperate.

The next day, Damon came back and that time, he even knocked at my door. I didn’t answer but he insisted and came inside.

“I brought you chocolate ship cookies…” He said while entering in my room slowly like something was going to jump on him if he was moving too fast, waving the packet.

“I don’t want your cookies.”

“You know that’s not true.”

“Alright, give me the cookies and leave.”

Damon laughed a little, then sighed.

“I feel so bad Leah, for making you feel this way… I don’t know what to do…”

“Leave please.”

But as I said those words, I realized I wanted him to stay, and to take me in his arms. Damon sat on the edge of my bed and started twisting the blanket nervously.

“Can I hug you?”

I felt tears running down my cheeks. My heart was hurting like hell from pain. Damon took me gently in his arms and wiped the tears from my eyes with his thumb.

“I can’t… I can’t stand the idea of loosing you.” I hiccupped while he was fondling my hair.

“I can’t stand the idea of loosing you either Leah. But there’s no other way for me… I wish we could stop time and make the moment last forever. To be with you forever. But I can’t.”

“I know.”

“Do you want me to leave?”

“No!” I almost screamed. “Stay. Please. Lay down with me.”

He did, still hugging me.

“I’m such a selfish person! I should be comforting you, not the opposite situation.”

“I’m here for you when you need me and I know you’ll be there for me when the time comes.”

He kissed me on the cheek then started singing me a song. I calmed down a little bit and fell asleep hoping to feel better when I would wake up.

When I did, I was still in Damon’s arms. It was late but he was still sleeping. I slipped out of his arms slowly and went in the bathroom. I breathed in and out to try to make myself calm down and I think it worked. I took a long shower and then put on a little makeup. When I went out of the bathroom, Damon was awake and was checking something on his phone.

“Hey…”

“Hey, how are you feeling?”

I shrugged and sat next to him. He kissed me and for just a second, it felt like everything was going to be ok.

“I have to go, I have an appointment and I’m going to be late…”

“Oh, ok.”

“It’s just a check up ok? Don’t freak out.”

“Ok. Do you want me to drive you?”

“No thanks. I’ll be home by the evening.”

I tried to smile a little.

“I sent a message to Kara and we planned to see each other tomorrow. But, really, if you don’t want to come, just say so. It’s my list and there are things you don’t have to do.”

“It’s fine, I want to see Kara. I missed her.”

Damon smiled a little and kissed me again.

“I have to run.”

“Text me when you’re back.”

“Sure.”

He went out and Jenny knocked at the door before coming in.

“Wow, you really should aerate this place!” She exclaimed.

I opened the window and she sat next to me.

“Are you feeling better?”

“I think so… I don’t know.”

“Do you want to go shopping? Maybe it’ll take your mind off things… Or maybe we could go see a movie or something.”

“Shopping?” I proposed.

“Awesome, I was hoping you would choose this one. I’ll go get ready. Can we take your car, mine is not working well.”

“Of course.”

She went out and I got ready before meeting her downstairs. I took something to eat before cause I was starving and then we got going. We shopped for the entire day, stopping in every possible shop there was and bought a lot of clothes. And being with Jenny did take my mind off things. She was making me laugh and think about something else, which sometimes wasn’t really a good thing when it was about Seth and her. She told me she really liked some guy she had met in college and was thinking about asking him out and I told her to go for it.

We got back home in the evening and she cooked a nice dinner for the two of us. Damon still wasn’t back yet. He had told me not to worry but I couldn’t help myself. What if the doctors had found something bad and had announced him that he didn’t have less than a year left but only a month. Or worse, a week. That couldn’t happen, right?

Finally Damon texted me to tell me he was back home and I went over to his place. He was ok and the appointment was just a check up, there wasn’t anything new. No possible magic cure or no delay had appeared unfortunately. I fell asleep in his arms.