The Fire We Make

chapter twenty nine

this chapter is dedicated to @TessaMxdori95, for sticking by me and always commenting. I appreciate you <3

I wrapped my arms around shoulders, holding myself tightly. I told myself I wouldn't cry, not in front of Kaiden, but I haven't relived that night since I was questioned by the police and recapped everything to Mr. Walter, my lawyer. Feeling all of these emotions again was overwhelming. I turned my head to the side, concealing my tears from Kaiden.

"I can't believe you've been holding this in the whole time. Hollyn, you have to know that it wasn't your fault," Kaiden said softly, reaching out to console me. I shrugged him off and stood up. I didn't deserve to be comforted. I wiped away the fresh tears that escaped my eye.

"Were you not listening? Of course, it was my fault," I replied bitterly. "He was there because of me. Aiden was the one who told Tristan where I was that night. That's the only reason he was there was to get me to come back home. Don't you see? It's all my fault. I got my brother killed."

"You didn't pull the trigger," Kaiden retorted, getting up. I stepped back, trying to put a good amount of distance between us. Whenever he was too close to me my judgment becomes clouded.

"I might as well have," I whispered coldly.

Kaiden shook his head disapprovingly. He made efforts to reach out to me and I placed my hand in front of him, stopping him.

"Don't. Please don't comfort me, I don't deserve it. Aiden is right to hate me, I ruined our family."

"We can only be held accountable for our own actions. You're feeling guilty for something you had no control over. Do you see these?" Kaiden asked, revealing a set of dog tags he had tucked under his shirt. I reluctantly nodded my head, remember seeing them the very first time I met him.

"I had just got promoted to lieutenant. I was probably your age and I was going through so much shit at home, I thought the only way to run away from my problems was to channel all my energy into work. It worked, hence the promotion, but I was distracted. In my very first assignment as a commander, I got one of my men killed. He died as a result of my poor leadership."

Kaiden paused, as he reflected on his past. He looked everywhere but me. I swore that his eyes were glassy, but just as quickly, any slight emotion he shared was abruptly withdrawn. I should've known better, Kaiden was always a mastermind of concealing his emotions.

"I could've let that eat me. I could've wallowed myself in guilt. But I didn't. I had other people looking up to me, looking at me for direction. I carry around that photograph and I wear his tags to remind myself that I cannot rewrite the past, but I can write my future. It encourages me to do better, not just for me, but for my squad as well. You can't keep groveling in the past, Hollyn. It's going to consume you."

"I'm sorry that you experienced that, I really am," I proclaimed, fidgeting with my hands. "But this wasn't just some random person, it was my brother, a person that I've lived with my entire life. The person who stepped up and took care of me when my parents passed away. This... this isn't something that I can just get over easily."

"And you shouldn't," Kaiden said, agreeing. "The two deaths don't compare. But how you respond and proceed to live your life after their death is the same. Are you going to continue letting it control you and your life, or will you learn from it and grow as a person? That's something you decide. You have to stop looking for happiness in the same place that you lost it, Hollyn. He's gone. Dead. Never coming back-"

"-you son of a bitch-"

"-but that doesn't mean that you give up. The moment that you give up, your screwed up ex and his family have won."