Bite My Tongue (Oli Sykes Fan Fiction)

Don't Go

I opened my eyes and Oliver wasn't there. He wasn't to my left like he was when I fell asleep and he wasn't on my right, either. I nervously looked around my small bedroom but he wasn't there either. I didn't hear any movement from the bathroom or the kitchen and the TV wasn't on. Oliver wasn't here. He left. I don't know where he could have gone but as far as I could tell he wasn't in the apartment. 

He wouldn't just leave me like that, would he?

Slowly, I got up and put my bare feet on the carpeted floor. I shuffled out of the door with a nervous feeling in my stomach. What if he really did leave? A million thoughts were running through my head and I didn't know what to think at first, but once I looked up into the dark living room, I saw Oliver on the couch, his laptop sitting on his lap. I silently sighed in relief, and instantly felt stupid for thinking he would leave me like that. But the thought of him going back to England was killing me and I feared every moment that he would leave me.

I walked over to Oliver and sat on the couch next to him and spoke silently. "We really need to talk about this." 

He closed his laptop and put it on the coffee table, giving me his full attention. He just looked at me, not saying a word, just waiting for me to speak.

"I think we need a really solid plan for when you leave." My voice was already threatening to give away my fears and my vulnerability.

He nodded slowly and answered, "I think we need to find the best way to talk all the time. And we're going to have to learn how to make time for each other. I'll do whatever you want to." 

He looked at me with sad eyes when he was done talking. He knew that I didn't have nearly as much faith in us as he did and that really hurt him.

I just had to tell him exactly how I was feeling, no matter how badly it hurt either of us. 

"I don't know if I can do this, Oliver. I mean, I have a really big fear of being left behind and forgotten. In case you can't tell, I trust very few people to not walk out on me. My own fucking parents left me behind, and I know I've got a great family now but thinking about it really makes it hard to wonder how many other people will leave, too." I bit my lip and looked down, afraid to see his reaction. I wanted to trust him, I really did but we haven't known each other that long we've been together for an even shorter period of time.

"Do you even trust me? I know that I'm going to be far away but that doesn't mean that I would do anything like that." He sounded almost angry, but I can't blame him. 

I would be mad to know that he didn't trust me but that honestly wasn't the case. I didn't fear him cheating on me or finding someone else. I didn't think he would just one day stop talking to me and we would never speak again. I was afraid that he would think it's too hard and want to break up while he's there. I was afraid we would break up over a video chat and not have any real closure.

"I trust you, but I don't think you're realizing how hard this is going to be. I don't want to stay together only to be dumped via email and then have to figure out what was really wrong." I explained in an angry voice but I wasn't angry. 

I was frustrated. I wanted to have a plan, to know what the hell was happening. I was scared and upset about him leaving and he wasn't understanding that I wanted to be with him so badly, but I didn't have enough faith in myself to keep us together. I knew he wouldn't understand it though, so I didn't bother telling him any of it.

"So you want to break up? Just give up now before even trying?" He asked, standing up and pacing around the small living room, quite obviously upset.

Looking up at him when I was sitting on the couch, still cross legged, made me realize just how tall Oliver was. And I noticed again how gorgeous he was and it made me sad to think that this could be the end of us. Less than a month, the day after Christmas and we were already on the verge of breaking up. Maybe we weren't meant to be together. Maybe this was a mistake from the start but how could that be true when I had such strong feelings for him. It felt like we had been together for years, we were so comfortable with each other, but it's only been a few weeks.

I finally answered quietly, "No, I don't want to break up. Not like this, but I can't watch you leave." There was a lump in my throat and I knew that I was going to cry.

"I don't want to leave but England is my home. I would never ask you to leave Philadelphia." He said, back to a normal and calmer tone. He sat down next to me again and put his hand on my leg. I kept my head down, refusing to look at him. "Anne, believe me when I say I don't want to leave you. I am going to miss you like crazy no matter what you decide, but I need to go home."

I looked up at him; his eyes were slightly red and watering but he wasn't quite crying. "I would never ask you to stay here unless you wanted to. I just can't watch you leave me. I can't be okay with that much distance between us." I sniffled, and Oliver pulled me into his chest. I took in a deep breath with my head in his shoulder and I already felt more relaxed.

"Then I won't force you to. Just... just don't let go yet. Not until I leave." he said quietly into my hair that was still a tangled mess. Everything about me was just a mess right now.

I got butterflies in my stomach when I heard what he said. This was the end. The day Oliver and the boys left was the day I would be alone again. It was a lot to take in, and I wanted to cry and I could feel that Oliver was in the same state as me. As hard as this would be, letting him go, I knew that it would be the best thing for me. It was less anxiety and less fear.

I silently nodded in agreement. It was too hard to speak without crying. I agreed even though all I wanted to do was make him stay. I wanted him to stay with me and I prayed in my head that he wouldn't leave even though I knew it was inevitable. 

The only thought running through me head was Oliver, please. Don't go.