Call Your Girlfriend

Part 10: In Which Helen Is Confronted

"What was that?" Lauren asks as I pack up for the night. I feel deja vu from how this conversation is starting.

"What?" I look at her pretending to be confused.

"That whole thing at lunch today. Don't think I'm so stupid, Helen. I've known for a long time how you've felt about Max."

"What does that have to do with anything?"

"Took a college friend who was married- to a concert...he had a girlfriend and pretended for a while that he didn't because he loves this old friend?"

"That's what he said." I put my jacket on and she shakes her head at me.

"I know you two went. I know you did. So why are you lying to everyone?" I look at her, grab my purse and start for the door.

"I'm not."

"Come off it! You told me he had a girlfriend and that you didn't want to try and go to the concert with him because of it. Magically you were sick this weekend with food poisoning- and he just amazingly thought of an old friend he loved to take to the concert instead? Bullshit! It's all bullshit Helen." Why is she so mad if she knows I'm lying? What does it matter to her? It's not her life being fucked around with. It's not her heart being broken. "You act like you're above everything. That you don't need to answer questions or be honest as long as your head is held high and you can convince people of anything. Or intimidate them into submission. Well not me. I'm not submitting to you. Not over this."

"Why does it matter Lauren? Why do you care about the truth?" I look at her and she raises her eyebrows.

"Because what you're doing- isn't healthy."

"What do you mean?"

"Hiding your feelings. You're grief. Your guilt. Your sadness and anger. It's not healthy Helen. You had your heart broken this weekend. I know you did. And yet you're just walking around like you are happy and normal. But you're not. You're numbing yourself all over again."

"Don't stand there and act like you know anything about how I'm feeling."

"I know exactly how you're feeling! You used to be so vibrant. So genuinely happy and smiling and loving life truly. After Mo died..."

"Don't talk about him..."

"After he died- you shut out everyone! You shut me out. I had to stand on the sidelines and watch you decay and freeze over and pretend like you weren't devastated. Acted like you weren't missing a part of your heart. You left your body behind as a husky of nothingness. Do you remember the day you left- Helen? The day you stopped feeling everything? Because I'll never forget it. For weeks you acted like you were fine and like you were slowly done grieving and people believed you. Then one day- spring time- you sat in that chair..." I shake my head and look away from her crying. "You cut an x into your forearm because you couldn't feel anything. You didn't even feel that. I found you staring at the mess you made and when I became worried and panicked you sat there with that 'everything's fine' look you wear every single day and you got up and you left. I didn't see you for 3 days. 3 days Helen! I thought you died. I went to every morgue in all of New York, every single day- making sure you weren't in it. The police didn't think you were a missing person because it hadn't been long enough and you were an adult. When you showed back up, you acted like nothing happened. You acted like you didn't witness your fiancé dying under you as you had sex."

I stare at the floor in front of me. I had blocked out all those horrible memories. All that pain. Mo.

"You then became Dr. Helen. Cancer doctor extraordinaire. You traveled and fundraised because you knew if you sat in one spot long enough- those feelings and the memories and the pain- would come fleeting back to you. When you were here- briefly- you were arrogant and domineering and acted like some Goddess. I never thought I'd see my best friend again. I thought she died with Mo. Then Max came along. He challenged you and opened up to you and I saw you unthaw. I saw that vibrant- happy person come back to life after five years of being nothing but a husk." She stares at me. Her cheeks stained. "The second you ever start feeling pain and grief...you slowly start becoming that husk again. You start numbing yourself slowly and pretending like nothings wrong and...I'm so scared Helen- that if you revert back to that numb 'everything's fine' woman...that it won't be just a cut...it'll be your life....and I can't lose you. I can't."