Call Your Girlfriend

Part 32: In Which Helen Reveals A Life Changing Secret

He looks at me with those worried blue eyes of his. I have to tell him.

"What's wrong then?" He sits up a bit more against the wooden head board and looks at me. My heart is racing and I can't breathe. "Is...is me?"

"No! God, no!"

"Okay, then what's bothering you? You look like you're about to cry?" Because I am.

"Max...this whole night is wonderful... it's the best night of my life."

"Helen, look at me. Please." I slowly look at him and I try to find a way to start this conversation.

"There's something...very important that I need to tell you." My voice cracks and my breath is shallow and ragged. I feel so lightheaded. "Just...just give me a moment- please."

He waits and just holds my hand.

This shouldn't be this hard. It shouldn't be.

"Max...I'm...Huh...I'm having a baby..." No, that's not the way to tell anyone! His eyes widen and he looks me over. "Let me...let me rephrase...huh- I'm not having the baby. I'm adopting a baby..."

I can see him sigh a bit. His eyes scan mine.

"A few weeks ago, I decided to go forward in adoption because IVF wasn't working...I thought it was going to take a while to get approved and yesterday- they approved me. I got the call tonight before you picked me up: that my baby is ready for me in Kyoto Japan. I have to leave this weekend to go get him or her- I don't know which yet." I pause and can see he's processing all of this. "I've been thinking about a million different ways I could tell you, because this is so much information and it's a lot of...well everything. I didn't want to ruin our night. You worked so hard on all of it and it's lovely...but I really love you and I don't want to enter this relationship on a secret and make you feel like you're trapped or...or I don't know. I'm sorry...Max...I wasn't expecting any of this. You- me...this beautiful date. I'm sorry..."

The tears slowly flow down my cheeks and I try to wipe them away. I feel so ridiculous crying right now. He just stares off at the water and says nothing. I ruined this. I ruined us before we could even begin. Just like I thought. He has enough on his plate with Luna, why would he want another child that's not even his nor planned into his life- to look after. Why should I subject him to that?

"Is that what you've been worried about this whole time?" His voice is very soft and neutral. His eyes slowly shift to mine and I can feel my heart beating hard in my chest.

"Yes...I understand if you regret any of this...if you don't want to go any further...with me." I start getting more choked up and my stomach is flopping all around in my stomach. "I won't blame you...it's not...not like you signed up for this....you have...have a lot to deal with...as it is..."

I can't catch my breath and my eyes burn.

"Helen, stop." He turns in his spot and holds me by my shoulders. "Stop..."

I close my eyes and feel my whole body shaking. It's not cause it's cold. It's because I am so fearful that this is where I lose Max. For sure he's not going to continue this. He sighs and rubs his hands up my arms. I try to calm myself down, but I can't. There's no calming any of this.

"How could you think that I wouldn't want to go any further with you?" I open my eyes slowly and look at him.  "Helen, this is your dream. This is what you've always wanted. To be a mom. Why wouldn't I want to take that journey with you? With the woman I am madly in love with?"

My lip quivers and I can't even speak or look away from him.

"I am so happy and excited for you- really, I am- because I see the way you are with Luna and I know you'll be a wonderful mother to this new baby as well." He pulls me close to his chest and kisses my lips. "I love you, Helen. So stop worrying that I don't. Don't cry, baby. This is wonderful."