Call Your Girlfriend

Part 17: In Which Max's Bad Week Gets Worse

***A Week Later- Friday Morning***

I have been in panic attack mode for the last week now. My whole body has been caught in a battle between wanting to just die from exhaustion and trying to adrenaline boost me into the ceiling. I have been barely eating and Iggy has become immensely worried. Lauren got back Monday and has been constantly in and out of my room. I still haven't spoken and I feel as if my body is forcing me to shut down. Helen has been calling daily, but still hasn't specified if or when she's coming back and Kapoor and Iggy are trying their best to figure out a logical reason for my silence and attacks. Iggy has been taking care of Luna for me and brings her in to see me every day. All of this is out of control...out of my control. All week I have been having two to three attacks a day and at this point I feel I need to just die to end them.

My brain is that damaged by this immense fear of Helen not coming back. I just want her back. I want her here. I want to be near her. Why can't she just come back? Why can't she just accept my apology? Why can't she just love me? My whole world is slowly draining and shriveling up. My mental state is severely fucked out and I feel as if my mind is fucking blocked. This week is worse than last week. This week is just going to get worse the longer I have to fight to breathe and fight myself to stop what's happening. I am trapped in the prison that is my body and broken mind.

"Max? How are you today?" Lauren comes in and shuts the door behind her. She sits on the edge of the bed and looks at me resting in a half seated position. I've been so uncomfortable that I have my bed adjusted to sit most of the way up. It helps me breathe a bit better and is the best position for when I need to lose my lunch- so to speak.

I shake my head. She smiles and pulls a bottle out of her pocket.

"I'm putting you on Lexapro for panic disorder and anxiety. It's a pretty heavy dose, so hopefully we can push through this fog you're in and get to the root of the problem." She takes one out and takes the cup of water on the bedside table and hands it to me. I take the pill and swallow it down. "It's gonna take a few days to maybe two weeks to get it to start working in your system- but I hope it helps."

I close my eyes and I just feel exhausted.

"Max, can you be honest with me for a moment?" I look at her and nod slightly.

"Does all this have to do with Helen? Because it seems like every time she's gone or gives you to someone else to be looked after- you become a whole different person. Is your separation anxiety that bad? Bad enough to trigger all these panic attacks? I have no doubt they're real. Okay- I know how scary and painful they can be...I used to have them all the time as a teenager. So I get it...but is Helen the block? Or is this just something else?" I close my eyes and take a deep breath. She puts a hand on mine and I open my eyes. "I know this is hard. I do. She loves you- so much...the problem is, Max. Helen lives behind this...wall. For a long time she thought that wall was protecting her- but it's not. It's depression. She used to be vibrant and happy and then Mo died. After that she just...Huh, she pretended like she was fine and she wasn't. She got to the point where she couldn't feel anything. She cut herself- deep. That X on her arm- isn't a tattoo. It took you coming to the Dam for her to start getting through that wall of depression. When everything happened between you two after Philly- it didn't take  long for her to start numbing and building that wall back up thicker than before. It's not healthy- the way she is. She doesn't know how to live with the pain- any pain. What's happening now- in London- It's painful. It's devastating for her...and this whole panic attack thing that's going on here, is just adding to that wall."

I look down and feel shitty. I'm making Helen worse. I'm making her depressed.

"I don't know, if she's coming back next week or the week after that....I don't know if she's coming back at all...but Max...Huh- if she doesn't- you have to be okay with that decision. You have to be. I love Helen just as much as you and if she knows you're not okay...if she knows you're having these attacks because of her...everything will just bury her under that wall. I don't want to see my friend buried. So please...find your strength. Find something within yourself to get out of this pit and learn to be okay. Because Helen is needs you to be okay- so she can be okay. Because right now....she's not. She's far from it. I'm not at liberty to share what's going on- but trust me...she needs to be able to be vulnerable and not have to worry about getting hurt or trying to heal anyone right now." I look at her and she knows my whole body hurts. "I'm here to focus on you. To help you get through this. Okay? So this needs to work. This medicine. It needs too."