Call Your Girlfriend

Part 11: In Which Max's Perspective Comes Into Play

She wasn't wrong.

I should have told her about Alice.

But.

She doesn't know the whole story.

She doesn't know Alice kissed me first.

She doesn't know Alice initiated sex the next morning. The very same morning that lead to Helen revealing what I already knew. I knew she had given up half her department for me. I knew. Why else would she do it? Why risk it? She normally wouldn't. Helen is driven and proud and works hard to keep up status and appearance- and she sacrificed that hard work because some woman threatened to 'hurt' me.

That night when I pressed her for the answer, I wasn't expecting her to pour her heart out in those few words. I wasn't expecting her to say that everything she has ever done was for me. I thought it was just the department split. But it wasn't, now was it? Now knowing that she loves me- I realize how much she has sacrificed and changed for me.

So?

So that night when she said that- I wanted to kiss her.

I wanted to tell her how I felt. How I've always felt.

I wanted to hold her close and say that I have been wanting to tell her, but I was unsure how she would respond.

Then my finger hit my ring and I remembered.

Guilt.

I just slept with another woman that morning. It was the first intimate moment I had since Georgia. It felt so good. How would it look to confess my feelings and desires to Helen after that? Looking at it, I had so many moments I should've told her I loved her. But it's not like I haven't told her in other ways. At one point I literally said 'I love my doctor'. So it's not that I hid it. I told her I favor her. I stated that I would get fired to get her titles back.

That night after the code silver- when I poured my heart out to her and she said she wasn't leaving- I would've told her then. I was leading up to it. But she just left. Many times when I have had the courage to tell her I love her- she has walked away from the conversation. When the palliative care was a success and she and I discussed our funeral plans- she seemed like she was finally allowing me in. That she was ready to stay in one place and listen. We talked for hours about dreams and thoughts. I should've told her then.

But I didn't. So many opportunities missed.

The biggest problem I have though...and I hate to admit this-

Is it's easy being with Alice.

It's easy because she isn't in the hospital with me every single day. She doesn't know how tough it is or the pain one can experience.

It's easy because we both recently lost our spouses and have to parent alone. She's carefree to a point that she has no reservations about anything.

It's easy because she forces things. She doesn't treat me like I'm fragile and on the verge of breaking like Helen does. She initiated things that normal I wouldn't be able too or that Helen wouldn't think of doing- even if she wanted too.

Alice to me...is like a palate cleanser.

Like after a long day at work, I don't have to be remind of what's coming next. I can just pretend like nothing bad happened at work and she believes me- because she's not there to know otherwise.

Yet being with her also isn't as rewarding.

I don't know why, but though it's easy being with Alice- I also feel immensely guilty. And not because she was the first woman I was with after Georgia, but because...I'm using her.