Call Your Girlfriend

Part 15: In Which Max Becomes Frantic

I awake this morning on my living room floor. Body stiff, head aching, stomach torn.

I worked myself into a good panic attack last night. Passed right out due to lack of oxygen. Slowly making my way to my feet, I stumble slightly as a I head in to get Luna. She's up and looking me. Scooping her up, I place her on the bed to change her diaper and put new clothes on. Last night was a mess. Between breaking Alice's heart and Helen more or less saying she wasn't coming back- I feel as if my life is falling apart. I don't know what to do. I don't. I wish I did. How is one supposed to just be normal and go on with life when they can barely think? My head is pounding and my chest hurts so bad.

Making Luna some eggs for breakfast, she eats nicely and when she's all done we get our things ready and head to work. I'm already an hour behind. Fucking Thursday. One more day and then I'm free for the weekend to figure some shit out. What's there to figure out though? Helen doesn't want to talk out our problems. Helen doesn't want to talk- period. I'm even surprised she called me last night. That whole conversation just sounded drained and painful for her- then again it was 1 in the morning when she called me. Anyone would be drained at that hour of the night. But that conversation was also weird. It was like she wanted to tell me something, but was holding back. What? What was she holding back? The fact that she's probably searching for a new job? Or that she wants to tell me to fuck off, but doesn't know the right way to do it? Who knows what the fuck she's hiding? Lauren does. Lauren was with her. She comes back Monday. She will surely tell me what's going on.

Her allegiance to Sharpe is strong and loyal, but I'm sure, she will gossip just enough to let me in on Helen's plans or secrets. I mean she must know. She must know what the next step is for Helen.

We get to the Dam and head inside. The atrium is buzzing with people. I forget how hectic is can be at 9:00 in the morning. People racing from one area to another. Patients doing physical therapy. Families coming in to visit their loved ones. Movement. There's so much movement that I feel sick to my stomach. I feel like I'm being watched and crowded. I feel overwhelmed.

"Max?" A hand comes to my shoulder and I jump as I find Iggy standing next to me. "Jees, you okay?"

I look around. I can't be here right now. Not knowing that Helen isn't ever going to step foot in here again. Not knowing that I probably won't ever see or hear from her again.

"Max!" He shakes me.

"What?" I look at him. He's standing in front of me. He was blurring, but now I see him clearly.

"What's going on man? You seem out of it."

"I'm fine...fine..." I shake my head and my chest pangs hard.

"You sure, because you seem like you're having trouble." He reaches in the baby holster and takes Luna out. "I'm just gonna take her just in case, okay. Come on, let's go sit."

He takes me to a bench near the administration entrance and he looks at me. I just stare out at the crowd, but they are fuzzy and the noise is too much.

"Max? Max!"

"I'm fine...fine..." I say and he feels my forehead. He's looking for a temperature. He won't find one.

"Max, you are clammy and sweating. What's going on?" He looks me over and I shake my head. Why isn't she coming back? She said she would never leave. She said she'd always be here if I need her. I need her here. I can't. I can't do this. I can't do this without her! I need Helen! I NEED HELEN!

My heart is pounding rapidly and I can't breathe.

Why can't I calm down? I can't see clearly. I don't know why! I don't know why! I don't know why!