Call Your Girlfriend

Part 18: In Which Max's Condition Is Confirmed

Positive.

Brain tumor on my frontal lobe.

I was so glad I didn't have to witness Kapoor telling Helen the news. Based on the whispering from the hallway between Iggy, Kapoor and Lauren- Helen is a bloody mess. Said she got hysterical and couldn't stop crying. I can't do anything. Iggy has since let Luna visit with me a lot more than before. He knows a dying man should have time with his daughter- even if he doesn't address it as such a reason. They told me that Kapoor was going to perform the surgery on me to remove the tumor and then radiation would ensue, along with chemotherapy.

I have been feeling worse by the day and losing more of myself than I would like to admit. Lauren walks in this morning with some breakfast- even though I barely eat a bite of it. She smiles weakly- knowing my fate fairly well if none of this works out. I grab her hand. She looks at me. Make a texting motion. She hands me her phone.

I struggle to type what I mean but she looks at it and seems a little shocked.

"You want me to write this up for you?" I nod.

"Max, this is a big thing. You're sure." I nod and she shakes her head and fights her urge to cry. Lauren is a tough cookie. It takes quite a bit to break her down- but since she heard the news, she has softened around me. "Alright, I'll write it up and you can sign it...but Max- you're going to be fine. Okay? Kapoor is very good at his job. He will get it out and then you can begin radiation and chemo."

I close my eyes and feel lost.

A part of me knows that this whole thing isn't going to work. That even if Kapoor gets the tumor out- it'll be the radiation and chemo that kill me. A part of me is ready to just be done. All this pain is excruciating and I want it to be done.

But.

The rest of me wants to fight and survive so I can be with Luna and Helen. I don't want to say good by to them. I don't want to be the reason Helen's wall buries her. I would never forgive myself.

But.

Can't she do better than me? Can't she be with someone who has never hurt her? Give her the life she wants and not be the burden? Doesn't she deserve that? Yes, most definitely.

I am beyond tired. I am beyond pained. I am beyond ready to just let go. I feel my story is ending. Like, I have reached the climax and now the resolution comes into to play. I will descend down the hill to the end of the story and sink deep into the ocean of heavenly sorrow. Saying goodbye to those I love and saying hello to those I have missed.

Maybe I'm being dramatic. Maybe all of this will blow over and I'll be back to normal. But at what cost? I may never regain the ability to speak properly. I may never regain stability. I may always have seizures after this. The risks that come with surviving- almost make it not worth it.

But seeing Luna grow up is. Seeing her learn to walk and talk. Run and play. All of it is worth the risk. Why should she have to lose two parents? Although I've set up an alternative just now. Once Lauren gets it typed up and I sign the paper- Luna will be covered and have a happy life if anything goes wrong during or after surgery.

I keep thinking about Philly. As I lay in bed with my eyes closed, I imagine what could have been. After I win the fight against that asshole man, Helen and I head back to the hotel. I walk her to her room. Drop her her off and after a few seconds I go back and knock on her door. She opens it up, confused. I walk in- kissing her passionately. I kick the door closed and walk her backwards towards the bed, all while undressing her we get naked and for half the night we end up making love. In the morning, we wake up next to each other and gaze into each other's eyes. I tell her how much I love her and how I dreamt of last night for almost a year. She tells me she's been thinking about it too. We check out and on the way home, she holds my hand. We pick up Luna and go back to her place. We spend the whole day together. Laughing and smiling. I make her watch Titanic. She cries and says that was a great movie but really sad. I console her and as Luna is asleep, she and I make out in front of her fireplace on the carpet. We hold each other tightly and share our deepest secrets. We have no cares in the world. We are happy and nothing ruins our love. After a few months of being together, I get the courage to ask her to marry me. She says yes and we get married in the summer. She looks so beautiful in her wedding dress and I cry as she walks down the aisle to me. We say I do. Party til dawn and then take our honeymoon to someplace she's always dreamt of going and we share our time together and have so much fun and sex that we can't even imagine this isn't a dream. Our lives are perfect and what's even better- by some miracle, she gets pregnant and we have a baby boy and he and Luna are best friends. We grow old together and I die first and then years later she meets me in heaven and we watch over our kids and grandkids.