Part 20: In Which Helen Rushes

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"Now boarding all flights for New York City...."

I race to get in line. Max is going into surgery in 7 hours. I need to get there. It's 3 in the morning and I'm tired- but my whole body is full of adrenaline. It need to get there to see him into surgery. I need to tell him I love him one last time. I need to make this right between us because if I don't and he dies...I will never forgive myself.

It's not that I wanted to be all the way over here in London for the last week and a half. But I needed to be. My father's been sick for a while now and my Mum wasn't sure if he was going to make it. When Lauren and I were eating ice cream and chatting Monday night, I got the call from my Mum that my dad was going in for bypass surgery. He has been struggling with declining health for years and I wasn't about to not be there for my dad. When I told Lauren, she decided to hop on the plane with me for support. She met my parents twice before. Once in London for a Christmas vacation and once at home when they came here on holiday. I knew leaving Max wasn't going to end well. But at the time, his whining was a little less important than my father's bad heart. After the surgery, his heart stopped two times and they brought him back. We weren't sure if he was going to make it after the second time, but thankfully he did. The last few days, I have been up with him constantly so my mum could go home and sleep and get a shower and what not. Decompress. When Lauren went home Monday- I was happy she could at least try and comfort Max and his separation anxiety. When I called them Friday- I wasn't expecting him to still be in a state of distinction.

But after piecing everything together, my heart broke and I became scared and nervous.

A brain tumor.

Why didn't I piece the puzzle together before? More importantly, why didn't the neurologist and psychologist think to do an MRI? If he was exhibiting strange neurological behavior- regardless of them thinking it's panic attacks- why wouldn't they have checked for a brain bleed or concussion or oh I don't know- A Bloody Fucking Tumor!

Seriously. Max could've died days earlier. He'd been seizing two three times a day- not eating- can't speak and he reached the stages of leaking blood or possibly brain fluid out his nose and ear.

And they didn't think to check for a tumor?

Sometimes I feel like their titles are wasted on them. When it comes to their friends they are absolutely useless and clueless as to how to treat them. I board the plane and find my seat. All I can think about is how weak and broken Max looked. How long had that tumor been there? Is that why he was so reckless in Philly with that man? Is that why his emotions the week prior were radical. I mean he yelled at me for making a joke. He was acting so bizarre. It all makes sense. Why the fuck didn't I see this coming? I am also and clueless doctor.

As the flight takes off, I try and keep myself calm. I can't though. What if Max gets the tumor removed but doesn't respond to treatment? What if he loses some of his basic functions? What if he loses the ability to speak altogether? He could have seizures for the rest of his life. The thoughts are too serious and horrifying. I pray Vijay does the procedure perfectly. But even a perfect procedure doesn't guarantee there won't be repercussions. If the tumor is malignant- that cancer could kill him in a week. If it's benign, he'll have a better chance of going on to live a long healthy life, but it could always grow back.  I'm just so worried. I wish we had more time. I wish I would have told him a long time ago that I loved him. There were so many opportunities and I missed every single one of them.

"You okay, dear?" An older woman sitting a seat away from me looks at me. My leg is moving a mile a minute.

"I'm just worried and nervous." I state. She smiles.

"Ever flown before?"

"Oh, yes- it's not that...my best friend is going into surgery in 7 hours and I don't want to miss it. He has a brain tumor and I am worried if I don't make it there and he...then..." I try not to think about the worst outcome because I'll cry. The woman smiles warmly at me.

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