Without A Doubt

Chapter 6.

I've been sitting at my desk staring at a blank sheet of paper for the past hour. I can't think straight. I keep circling back to Jackie. During basketball today, she wouldn't look at me which I don't really mind, but still. I keep asking myself why that happened, and if it would cause bigger problems. Nothing I can do to change it now though.

Circles. I'm going in circles. How do I write a paper about what kind of person I am when I don't even know who I am? After things with Jackie maybe I am the person the rumors make me out to be. But that's not who I want to be. That's not who I am. I do know that, but it doesn't mean it doesn't get to me. That doesn't mean it doesn't bother me when people ask me what girl I'm onto next. Or when they ask if I'm an ass or tits kind of girl. I don't date girls just to sleep with them. No matter what people think.

I kept thinking about what I'm supposed to write. She said write about who I am or something that encompasses my personality. I can't write about who I am so what else is there? What encompasses my personality? As I stared at the paper I thought of something that might work. I started to write my paper and as I did the words just started flowing. Writing is easy once you figure out what it is you're going to write about.

I woke up 10 minutes before my alarm went off. I didn't sleep well, I couldn't fall asleep until around 3 in the morning. I was still thinking about everything that had happened the day before. Liv doesn't like me, even though I'd never seen or talked to her before. I never once thought about doing anything with Jackie but that happened too. Then I kept thinking about the paper, and having to present tomorrow. Just thinking about standing in front of the club and about reading something I wrote to them terrified me. Enough to keep me awake all night.

I got dressed and was ready to leave my house by 6:40. Driving to the school I kept having to fight my own thoughts. What's the worst that could happen? Panic attack. That's probably the worst thing that could happen. I got off of my car and started for the library. The thoughts in my head were spiraling. The same thing over and over again. Don't fuck up. Don't stop breathing. I could already feel my hands shaking as I walked down the halls. Breathe. After I reached the library I stopped. As I was standing outside of the library I felt my heart start to pick up its pace. I left the door and started for the bathroom until I heard someone say

"Hey Mayson, you ready?" I turned around and saw Peter standing behind me.

"Yeah. I'll be there in a minute." With that I kept walking to the bathroom, trying not to look suspicious or draw any attention to myself. Inside the bathroom I set my backpack down on the bench that's in there and dug around for my anti-anxiety meds. My hands are still shaking a bit so it's hard to open the bottle. I can still breathe though, so that's good. Once I've got the pill in my hand I down it with some water, I always have a bottle in my backpack. I sat down on the bench and waited for my heart to stop racing. It's already 6:54, I don't have time for this. I stood up, grabbed my backpack and headed back for the library.

Walking back, I started feeling my heart beat slow down with every step. I'm good now. Once I was inside the library I could see Liv, Peter, and Jane talking about something. Carter and David weren't here yet, and neither was Ms. Scott for that matter. When Jane noticed me, she smiled and said

"Hi Mayson." I could tell from the tone in her voice that she still felt awkward around me.

"Hi Jane. I like your necklace." I felt the need to compliment her so that maybe she could see that I'm human. Maybe if I could start a conversation with her, I could find something we have in common, and she won't feel so weird around me.

"Thank you. I got it at that store Francesca's, at the mall."

"Oh, I like that store." I've been to that store maybe twice, and it was only because Emma dragged me into it. Before I could say anything else to her I heard the library doors open, and in walked Carter and David. I sat down at the far end of the table again and started to rifle through my backpack for my notebook. When Carter and David sat down one of them said,