Without A Doubt

Chapter 41.

"Mayson?"

"I..." I couldn't get a word out. My teeth were chattering too much.

"Mayson what're you doing here? It's freezing and raining."

"I... I needed to talk...to you." I'm shivering, but I can't feel the cold. Liv rolled her eyes and looked me up and down.

"Get in here. You're gonna get sick." I stepped inside dripping wet and freezing cold. Liv closed the door behind me and said,

"Come on. I'll get you some dry clothes." I followed her down the hall and to her room. I then watched as she dug through a drawer to find me something to wear. I looked around her room and all the memories started rushing back. The first time I spent the night here was the first time I'd ever slept. Something about having her in my arms was comforting. It made me feel almost, safe. Before I knew it, I was asleep. I didn't wake up until the next morning when she was waking me up so we could go get something to eat. It was also the first time we had sex. That weekend seemed so perfect. Who would have thought it would turn out like this?

Once Liv handed me the clothes she left the room closing the door behind her. I quickly changed out of my wet clothes and into her dry ones. They smelled like her. As I stood there I started to feel this overwhelmingly crushing feeling in my chest. I then felt the urge to cry for some unknown reason. I pushed the thoughts and feelings to the back of my mind. I picked up my clothes and walked down the hall and into the kitchen where Liv was standing in front of a Keurig. Without turning around, she said

"There's a bag on the table for your clothes." I put my clothes in the plastic bag and then stood behind the chair. I put my hands on the back of it so that hopefully they'd stop shaking. Liv let out a sigh then said

"You can sit down." She still hadn't turned around. Still shivering and still anxious I sat down at the table. After a few seconds she turned around and set a mug in front of me, then sat down in the chair opposite of me and took a sip of her own cup. I just stared at the mug.

"It's tea. Not coffee." She mumbled. I brought the cup up to my lips and took a sip. I set the drink back down on the table and looked up at Liv. She was staring at me with a look I couldn't quite read.

"Why are you here?" I looked down at the table then back up at her.

"I came to say I'm sorry."

"Sorry isn't going to fix this."

"I know." Liv stayed quiet. Say it. Say the words you need to say. Say the things she needs to hear. I took a breath and started.

"I can't stop thinking about you. No matter what I do, I can't. And I know... I know I messed up. And I can't take back the fact that I slept with her but I never meant to hurt you." It's getting hard to breathe.

"And I know, that I could move on. I know I could do it if I stopped thinking about you every second of every hour of every day. But I don't want to." My chest is tightening up.

"I don't want to lose you. I don't want to be with another girl. I don't want kiss someone else. I want you. I want to hold your hand. I want to drive around and talk to you for hours. I want to be the person that takes you home. That picks you up. I... I want you." I felt the tear run down my cheek. I was looked straight up at Liv. She wouldn't look at me though. She was looking down. As I sat there for a second, I saw a tear slide off her cheek. Impulsively I got up and moved to the chair closer to her. I hesitantly moved my hand up to her cheek and wiped the tears off of them. She took my hand off her cheek and looked at me.

"You can't just say all the right things and think I'll forgive you like nothing happened."

"I know... I know." Liv shook her head slightly and looked down at the cup again.

"Liv I never slept with her after we were officially together." She looked up at me with a confused and still hurt look.

"Then why didn't you say that?"

"Because I still felt like I cheated."

"What?"

"After our first kiss. I knew you liked me. But I was scared about what it could mean if I actually liked you back. So, I slept with her even though I knew you liked me. But then everything changed. I fell for you. When you were officially mine, I never slept with her. I promise." Liv was just staring at me with tears falling down her face.

"I never meant to hurt you." I could feel my hands start shaking even more, and my head was pounding because of the rain.

"Why didn't you tell me any of this before?"

"Seeing you cry that day in the hall hurt more than anything I've ever felt. Just knowing that... knowing that I hurt you that much. I didn't want to put you through any more. I thought that it was better if I just stayed away from you. To keep you away from, people like me." I paused for a second. I can't breathe.

"And I was scared." I looked up at her for a second. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.

"I was scared that even if I told you... that you'd still realize that I'm no good for you. And that you would hate me even more." I looked down at her cup again. The words were just falling out, and I never realized how true they were until I said them. But now that they were there, out in the open, hanging between us, I was terrified. Terrified that she would agree with what I'd just said. Terrified that she would tell me that she hates me, and wants nothing to do with me. After a few seconds in silence, Liv put her hand on my cheek and made me look up at her. She then leaned in and placed her lips on mine. It was a soft and gentle kiss. She pulled back a second later and put her forehead on mine.

"I don't hate you."

"I'm sorry." I cried.

"Mayson, I don't hate you." I shook my head a little. This is all my fault. I put her through this.

"I'm sorry Liv." She pulled back and wiped the tears off my cheek.

"It's okay." She pulled me into her and rested her head on my shoulder and I rested mine on hers. With her arms around me I felt warm. I stopped shaking, and my head wasn't throbbing. I wrapped my arms around her and held on for dear life. I never thought I'd feel this way about anyone again. I never thought I would be this terrified of losing anyone again. But I am. I pulled back and looked at her.

"I love you." She smiled just enough and said

"I love you too."