Without A Doubt

Chapter 17.

Mayson's POV

Make it stop

Stop spiraling

Stop thinking

Please just stop

I don't know how long I'd been in here before Liv got here but when she did I didn't know what to do. No one's ever seen me like this before. I still can't breathe. I can't focus. The tears won't stop. I need it to stop. The thoughts, the tears, the anxiety. I need it all to stop.

"Mayson, are you okay?" I couldn't speak. All I could do was shake my head no. I'm trapped in my own head, and I can't get out. I can't do anything to make it stop. She moved in front of me and put her hands over mine.

"Mayson, look at me. You're okay." No, I'm not okay. I can't look at her. I can't breathe. I'm spiraling. She's staring at me, but I can't look at her.

"Mayson, I'm going to go get someone." No. I don't need every one to see me freaking out. I can't talk. All I could do was grab her hand. I don't want her to leave me alone. I don't want her to leave. She came back down and sat in front of me. I can't look at her. I felt her fingers on my cheeks. She was wiping the tears away, she was making them go away.

"It's okay. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere." I looked down at my feet and tried to breathe. I can't. Liv wrapped her arms around me and held me tight. I focused on the way it felt when her skin was touching mine. I focused on the way she smelled. I could hear her breathing. I concentrated on it. Her breathing was slow and steady. I tried to match it, tried to slow down the spiraling, the thoughts, the panicking. I don't know how long it took but I finally started to catch my breath. When I could form a valid thought, I started to count my heartbeat. It was still racing but I kept counting. Liv's arms were still wrapped tightly around me. I didn't realize how cold I was until she let go.

"I'll be right back." I nodded again.

She came back after what felt like an eternity and wrapped a jacket around me. I put my arms through the sleeves and wiped the tears that were still falling down my face. I hate that she's seeing me like this. I rested my arms on my knees and then put my forehead on my arms. I hate this. I hate that I can't stop this. I felt her grab my hand and lace her fingers through mine. Her touch was soft, and warm. My head was still on my knees as I held her hand. I focused on the warmth of her hand. The first thing to stop was the thoughts. They stopped suffocating me. Next the shaking stopped. My muscles were still tense but they started to relax. After my body was somewhat under control my tear ducts started to dry up, but they didn't stop completely. I picked my head up from my knees and leaned it back against the wall. I could feel Liv staring at me. I finally let myself look at her.

"Are you okay?" Now that I could actually hear her voice, I could hear the worry in it.

"Yeah... I will be..." I could barely get the words out.

"What can I do?" I shook my head. Liv let go of my hand and moved to sit down in front of me again. I crossed my legs and so did she, our knees were touching. When I looked into her eyes I felt another tear fall down my face. Stop crying dammit. Liv wiped the tear off my cheek again and just stared at me.

"Does this happen often?" She asked. My trachea was finally opened up enough so that I could speak. I leaned my head up against the wall. After a panic attack you just feel exhausted. It's like there's a poison still circulating in your blood. Like there's something still lingering inside of you.

"It used to. I haven't had one this bad in a while." Liv was just staring at me. I pulled the hood of her jacket up over my head. I could hear all the noise from the gym.