Without A Doubt

Chapter 28.

I stood up from the desk and grabbed my things. All the thoughts in my head were gone. There was just silence, and this hollow feeling that was flowing through my body. I was already walking out of the library when the bell rang. Shit. As I walked into the hall it started flooding with students going to get to their classes. I pushed my way through them, trying to get away from the noise. Everyone was moving around me but I couldn't see them. They all looked like blurs. I just need everything to be quiet and still. I made my way all the to the locker room. Once there I threw my backpack off of me I pulled my phone out of my pocket and turned it off. I was still getting notifications. Everyone's talking about it still. I laid down on the bench and stared up at the ceiling.

I should be freaking out. I should be having a panic attack, or I should at least be pissed off. But I'm not. I feel completely hollow. The bad thoughts should be bombarding my mind, but they're silent. Everything in my body is just numb. I laid there staring at the ceiling for a good while. How long I'd been there I didn't know. I was still lying there, listening to my own breathing when Emma barged in.

"Mayson I've been looking everywhere for you and you're not answering your phone." She ran over and looked down at me. I didn't look at her. I stared right past her. I didn't feel like speaking. It was too much work, too much effort.

"Are you okay? I saw the group messages." She sat down on the floor and just looked at me. I didn't know what to say. What was there to say? I knew this was going to happen eventually. Why did I think it wouldn't? Why did I think I could prolong the inevitable? Emma pulled me out of my head when she said

"It's okay. I know you can't talk right now." At this I turned to look at her. She looked back at me and explained.

"I know you have days where you can't talk. All this made you like, shut down right?" I was still laying on my back, but when she said that I got up and then sat down on the floor in front of her. I rested my head on my knees and gave her a confused look. She tightened her lips and waited for my response.

"Yeah. Something like that." I forced out. She nodded her head and just looked at me.

"How'd you know?" I asked. I saw her purse her lips and look down at the floor.

"You're my best friend. I pay attention to you." She pursed her lips again. She needs to tell me something.

"I also know about your anxiety." The words took me by surprise. My no speaking ordinance was retracted because of my shock.

"What? How?" I crossed my legs and stared at her.

"Remember that time when we were leaving canes and I dropped my drink in your car on accident and you ran back inside to get napkins?"

"Yeah?"

"Well I looked in your glove compartment to see if you had napkins in there and I found the medicine bottle." I just stared at her for a minute.

"That was almost a year ago." I barely got out.

"I just figured you'd tell me when you were ready." I looked down at my hands. I don't know if I ever even considered telling Emma. It's not that I don't trust her, because I do. I just didn't want her to look at me differently. I didn't want her to look at me like I was a nuisance, or like I was broken.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

"It's okay. I understand that it was your thing to tell. It wasn't something I could make you talk about." I looked down again.

"Thank you." It was all I could think to say. She's known. All this time. And she never said anything. She just looked at me and smiled.

"So, what happened with Liv?"

"She didn't want anyone to know. And now everyone knows. I don't know what's going through her head. She just walked out of the library without saying anything."

"I like her, I do. But it sounds like she doesn't want to be seen with you." I laughed a bit to myself.

"Can you blame her?" Emma made a face.

"Being with me is like putting a spot light on you. She has been through enough already, I didn't want to put her through more. Everyone says what they want, even if it's not true. I can't fight a rumor. Reputations aren't tangible, I can't just erase it." I've never been this candid with Emma, but something about her knowing about me makes it feel just so much easier to breathe. Emma looked at me with a look that made everything I'd just said seem wrong. Not in a belittling way but in a way that made me feel her conviction.

"You are not what people say. You are my best friend and you are the best person I know. You and I both know you don't believe what people say about you. But I know that it gets to you. I know that it bothers you even though you act like it doesn't, but you need to say something about it." I looked down but Emma wasn't done.

"Mayson you didn't even fight back in the group chat. You just let them say whatever they wanted. And I know that you do it because you'd rather not start a fight and for some reason you almost believe what they say but you're better than that. You are so much more than that. I just wish you would stop being so hard on yourself all the time and stop putting yourself down so much." When she was done she just stared at me. I know she's right. I do. But it's hard to change your thinking when you've been this way so long. I don't know. It's a hard thing to explain.

"You're right." I said.

"You're fucking right I'm right." I laughed a little bit. Her little tangent had riled her up. She stood up and extended her hand.

"Come on let's go to class. We can figure out what you're going to do about Liv later." I just smiled and said

"Okay."

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Liv's POV

When Mayson showed me the video I freaked out. That's the only way to describe it. I just started thinking of all the worst-case scenarios. So, I grabbed my things and I walked out of the library. As soon as I was in my next class I started worrying. I mostly started worrying about Mayson. I shouldn't have left her like that. God, I hope I didn't give her a panic attack. I pulled my phone out and tried to text her but it wouldn't send as an Imessage. It kept going as regular text. I tried to snap her too but she'd never open it.

It was already the end of class when some guy I didn't know came and sat next to me. I didn't look up at first because I didn't think he was actually going to talk to me. I think he plays basketball too but I'm not really sure. I was still looking down doing my assignment when he said

"You're dating Mayson, right?" I looked up and just kind of looked at him. How does everyone know. It's been one class period. I refuse to be ashamed of being with her so I looked at him and said

"Yeah. I am."

"So, is it true that Mayson didn't do anything and you came onto her?"

"Excuse me?"

"Mayson always says she doesn't hit on girls first because they just go up to her." The bell ran before I could say anything. Not that I was going to reply anyways. I left that class and walked to my next one. As I did I could feel people looking at me. I just kept walking. What else could I do?