Without A Doubt

Chapter 35.

"Mayson? Are you in here?" After our game coach yelled at us for a good half hour. It took almost 15 minutes to get everyone off the court and back to their benches. Some of the parents had gone onto the court to try and 'help'. I think they just wanted to be on the court in all the action. As the chaos ensued I kept my back against the wall as I watched the scene unfold.

Hall, the other coach and the refs were talking for a good while on the court after everything had settled down. They decided to let us finish the game but Jackie and the other girl on concave were benched for the rest of the game. Granted there were only 5 minutes left in the game. After Hall was done yelling everyone cleared out of the locker room pretty fast. I was the last one in there. When I finished changing I felt exhausted. I sat down on the floor in front of my locker. Because of the bench in front of me I was pretty much hidden.

"Yeah." Speaking was difficult. It felt like it required too much energy. Emma sat down on the bench in front of me and just looked down at me.

"Are you okay? I lost you in the crowd."

"Yeah. I'm fine." Emma got down on the ground next to me and stared straight ahead. Outside I could hear the noise of the crowd. The boys always play after us. I put my head down on my knees and stayed quiet. As I sat there I felt that overwhelming sense of dread again. In my mind I kept replaying the conversation between Liv and I. When that got to be too much my mind would switch over to the conversation I had with Jackie. Everything just felt so heavy. The air felt like it was weighing me down. That's when I felt the tears start to fall. I hurt Liv. I never wanted to do that. I never wanted to make her feel the way I know she is now. I never wanted to make her cry. Looking into her painfilled green eyes absolutely destroyed me. The hollow feeling inside of me started to take over my body, and the tears just kept flowing. When Emma looked up at me and saw she didn't say anything. And I was glad she didn't. She rested her head on my shoulder and we just sat there in the locker room listening to the sound of the crowd. Listening to their cheers, and their screams. All the while my heart was breaking over and over.

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I woke up Wednesday morning 45 minutes before my alarm clock was supposed to go off. As I laid there everything seemed cloudy. My brain, my eyes. And that hollow feeling was ever present. Like a shadow, always there, just following me. I laid there staring at the wall until my alarm went off. When it did I didn't turn it off. I just let the noise continue ringing until my mom came into my room.

"Mayson get up. You're going to be late for school." I didn't move. I just laid there, took a deep breath in and released it.

"Mayson, get up." I still didn't move. My mom walked over to my bed and just looked at me.

"Sweetie are you okay?" I turned over and looked at her. I repositioned myself and rested my head on her lap. I felt her run her hands through my curls.

"Okay." She said. I got off of her and laid back in my bed. About 10 minutes later she came back into my room in her pajamas and laid down in the bed with me. She put her head on my back and cuddled into me. I went back to sleep.

My mom and I watched movies on the couch for the whole day. She only asked me what was wrong once. All I said was 'I messed things up with Liv'. My mom just nodded her head and turned her attention back to the tv. I hadn't told my mom Liv and I were dating. Although I assumed she knew because my mom always knows everything about me. She always knows when somethings wrong, and she always knows whether it's because something happened or if it's just my anxiety.

Around 4 o'clock I started getting antsy. I hadn't spoken all day, and my mom didn't say anything about my no talking ordinance. Since I couldn't take being inside any longer, and I was missing practice I decided to go for a run. I changed into my shorts and tank top and put my shoes on. I walked out the door and drove to the trail near my house. When I parked the car I scrolled through my music to try and find something good, but I couldn't find anything that seemed tolerable. I ended up just playing my run playlist and left it at that. I got out of my car, put my key inside my arm band and walked onto the trail. The heat felt good. The air was still cool but the sun out and it made the cold air somewhat bearable. I looked down at the graveled pathway, then at the grass and brush growing on either side of the trail. I could smell the faint smell of flowers. It made me think of Liv. I pushed the thought out of my head and started running.

As I ran I knew I was going too fast. I was going to burn out. I ran faster. As I kept going I kept replaying every word, every action, every moment, every broken tone in her voice, every tear that fell, every memory I've ever had with her. All the good ones, all the bad. They just kept going. Every technicality. Everything. Over and over. As I ran I came up to this hill that's was so steep it felt like I was climbing a wall rather than running. Running up it I went as fast as I could. My legs were on fire, I could barely catch my breath and I felt like I was going to fall, but I kept going. I kept going because I stopped... I can't stop.

I ran 4 miles. Each one hurt more than the last. I only let myself stop when I'd finished a mile, and even then, I couldn't stay still for very long. The thoughts and the memories would creep in. I felt like I had to keep running from them. By the time I was finished I was beyond exhausted. My legs felt like they were going to give out and my lungs were still burning. I walked to my car and opened the trunk to pull out a basketball that I had in there. I walked to the court that's in the park and started working on ball handling drills, then free throw drills, then back to ball handling then I did some sprints. When I was done I laid down on the concrete court and finally let my body rest. The only problem was that my mind was still going a hundred miles a minute. I guess that's the problem with running from your problems. It only tires out your body. You can't outrun the thoughts in your own head.